Swollen Members Interview - chrisnieratko.com

Swollen Members Interview

Do your own people treat you weird because you're such a light-skinned black guy?

Who me? I'm white. I'm a honky.

Oh, this is the white one? Sorry. How's that going for you anyway?

Being white? C'mon. I thought you liked our album. Man, I don't think about things like that too often. I mean, I am quite handsome.

Did you know you were white before I mentioned it?

Yeah, I had a pretty good idea. But thanks for letting me know. I'm also very handsome.

Why are yous guys from Canada? Hip-hop isn't supposed to come from Canada.

Because my grandparents came here when my mom was five from Europe. Canada is just like America Lite. But Canada is a nice place. L.A. is my favorite place, but Vancouver is definitely my second. We got like mountains and stuff. It's nice. We have trees and shit. It's a city, but it's on some mellow shit.

So what's your problem, Madchild, why are you so mad?

You know, just trying to get all these distribution deals straight for my label, Battleaxe Records.

Battleaxe? Were you some kind of he-man kook growing up?

Wow. Yeah, that's it.

Are you into she-men and she-ras?

There's a few up here in Vancouver, but I've never made the mistake.

Is your member really swollen?

I guess I was born lucky. But, no, man. C'mon. That's not what that refers to. We were just drunk one night thinking of names at Denny's. We thought it was a catchy name because it also means like a fat crew or whatever. Man, you're gonna make fun of whatever I say, but I'll say it anyway.

I think it's weird you and your man were drunk alone at Denny's, talking about swollen members, giggling like little schoolgirls.

We were laughing like a bunch of little girls, but it's just something us nutty kids came up with.

I heard you have beef with Snoop Dogg.

No, no, no. I never even met him.

Was that you in that one interview that called Suge Knight a little pussy?

No, that definitely wasn't me.

Are Canadians taught to hate Americans the way Americans are taught to hate Canadians?

No, I think it's just because Canada is such a large country with so few people. All of Canada has only like 30 million people. I think that makes Americans mad.

I think we should take over Canada and use it to house all the gays and French.

You probably will eventually. That'll be cool for me because I won't have so many border problems. I think a lot of Canadians would like that, actually. Everybody knows that we get shunned upon, and maybe we'd get more recognition being a part of America.

Have you ever been arrested for urinating in public?

No.

Have you ever been arrested for public indecency?

No.

Do you have any kind of criminal record, Madchild?

Yes. I have four assault charges and a theft under. Which means a theft under $1,000. I tried to steal a leather jacket from a department store. I ran and got caught. I don't remember what it looked like, but I really wanted it. The assault charges are from when I was younger.

Have you pooped your pants lately?

Yeah, I did in San Diego. I wasn't even drunk. I was just walking down the street. I shit my pants.

Do you have a girlfriend, Madchild?

I did. I just broke up with her. She was young. Too young. Eighteen. In Canada 14 is legal. It's 12 in Japan. You can be like 40 and dating 14-year-olds in Canada. I'm 27. And she was 18. But I look young. And it's legal.

Do you ever find yourself saying, "Some of my best friends are black?"

No. I definitely don't. And I never pooped my pants.

Where do you hide the salami in your house?

What do you mean? I don't have a salami in my house.

Do you think your mom will ever try to sue you for slandering her name in your lyrics?

No, but she did tell me once that I'm no Bruce Springsteen. I've held that against her for a long time, and she denies that she said it. But I was quite sensitive about that a few years ago.

Why, you thought you were Bruce Springsteen?

No, she just said, "You're no Bruce Springsteen," meaning I'm no Bruce Springsteen.

And you got upset because you really thought you were Bruce Springsteen?

No. I was just sharing some information with you.

Do you think you're still Bruce Springsteen?

No, let's move on. It wasn't really that deep for you to keep going with it.

Well, I'll tell you what, you aren't Bruce Springsteen.

I sure am not.

Why did you make your momma cry, Madchild?

Why does any kid make their momma cry? I mean, I didn't make her cry.

You think she wanted to cry?

Probably not.

You should call your mom and apologize for making her cry right now.

I will.

Comments

eeeek
27 Jul 2007, 19:36

where do you hide the salami???
haha
i personally like to hide it in a tush.
a big round black tush.

dante0220
27 Jul 2011, 22:46

best...interview...ever