Ryan Wilburn Interview
[ photos by hutchison ]
 Why didn't you want to have your interview go into next issue's "White Issue"?
'Cause I ain't white, man.
What do you mean you're not white? You're as white as they come.
I'm fucking related to Pocahontas, man.
That's bullshit.
It's not bullshit. My aunt researched our family history.
Your aunt is Pocahontas?
I wish she was, no.
Why, would you fuck her?
Would I fuck my aunt? Even if she was Pocahontas, I wouldn't.
Would you run, like, Lewis and Clark gang bangs on her?
I would on Pocahontas, but not my aunt.
Yeah, that'd be weird, right?
Yeah, that's not a good thing, man. You're making me weird thoughts right now, Chris.
Is your aunt hot?
No, not really. I mean, she mighta been back in the day, but, you know--
So, how do you figure that your aunt, wait, what's the story? Pocahontas what?
Look, dude, she's super into researching our family history. She did it years and years and years ago, made it a published book and shit, and I'm related to Pocahontas, man. So I'm not fucking white, I've got Indian in me.
So, her name was Pocahontas Wilburn?
Yeah, exactly. She's like Prince, everybody just calls her by that one name. In reality, nobody knows this, but her name's Pocahontas Wilburn.
Doesn't sound like a very Indian name.
That's why she didn't want to run it, because that would ruin her whole steez. So she just goes by Pocahontas. She's famous like that.
How come you always look like you're crying when you're drunk?
'Cause I am crying. It just comes out, it's like that whole Morrissey shit. You know, he wears black on the outside 'cause that's how he feels on the inside. That shit just comes out when I get drunk. No, it's because I never change my contacts, I'm a lazy bastard. Fucking been running the same pair of contacts for like a year and a half now. I'm too cheap to buy new ones.
But it only affects you when you're loaded?
Well, usually if I'm loaded like that, and you see me, it's in a bar or some shit, and I'm always smoking mass cigs anyway, so probably a combination of the alcohol and cigs coming out.
When else do you cry?
I told you I'm always crying on the inside. I'm a little emo bitch. Only sometimes. I'm kinda over that stage now.
Did you cry when Mario Andretti died?
Dude, hey, man, part of doing this shit is getting your research right. You're talking about Earnhardt.
What's his name?
Earnhardt, Dale Earnhardt.
He's the guy that drove the car in circles, right?
Yeah, yeah. He only turns left.
So, did you cry when that dude died?
No, I thought about calling Alan [Petersen] though, and I realized that would probably be a bad idea.
Did Alan cry?
I think he probably shed a tear or two.
What's the fascination with you two and that stupid NASCAR shit?
Well, fuck, it's in my heritage. I'm from Tennessee. What do you expect?
Oh, is Dale Earnhardt your aunt too?
No, I'm just saying that NASCAR is like a total Southern thing. It's part of my roots. I grew up with that redneck shit...
But it's a car driving in a circle.
Dude, there's so much more to it than that. That's the stupidest thing to diss NASCAR, just saying that they drive in circles.
Are you saying it's more of an oval?
I'm not trying to get all geometric and shit, Chris, I'm just saying that there's a whole lot more to it than driving in circles. And plus I'm not as big of a fan as Alan. It's just that I have to watch it every now and then 'cause it's part of my roots.
What else is there other than drive around a circle and sometimes they crash?
I'll tell you what it is, if you've only watched it on TV, then that's one thing, but I went to a race with Alan and Richard [Paez], took Roberto [Aleman], when you go and see it live, you can understand why people get so psyched on it. And plus it's just a total fucking redneck sport, so, you know, rednecks are kinda stupid, so they get psyched on, you know, stupid things. I don't know how Alan's psyched on it, I guess he's just a gearhead anyway.
When you go and see it live, is it like it's not even an oval at all?
Oh, dude, you can't even believe it. Yeah, it's a square, dude. That's what nobody realizes on TV; it's actually a square.
 Do you love NASCAR?
It's all right.
Do you like it enough to stick your dick in a race car's tailpipe?
May be a little bit hot for me.
What if it was before the race, and it was totally cool?
I don't think there's much that could happen to make me want to stick my dick in a tailpipe, Chris.
Let's say $200 happened.
I'd do it for 200 bucks. I need the money right now, I'm trying to get across the country.
Would you do it to completion for 200 bucks?
Well, I mean, why would you do it if you didn't do it to completion, you know?
Do you think that would make the car go faster?
I don't think it would help, probably just add weight to it.
Who would make a better NASCAR racer, you or Alan?
Well, we're gonna find out like real soon 'cause when we leave from Portland, me and Gary [Collins] and Chris go to Woodward, and they have a little go-cart track there, so it's gonna be like NASCAR challenge every day. We're probably gonna run it like same steez that McKinney had. This one year I went to Woodward, and Tim McKinney was there, and he had this little secret compartment in his dresser with tall beer cans. The dresser was lined with a plastic bag and ice and shit. He had beers in there. I'd walk into his room, and he'd be having his liquid breakfast. So we'll find out when we get there. I'll give you the answer after that. I'd like to say me, but I'm gonna have to give it up to Al 'cause Al's dirty. He'll flatten you out. But I kind of know his tactics.
What's the story with you and Woodward? Why do you like being a counselor to little boys so much?
I'm not around little boys. I counseled one year for like two weeks.
What do you do? Do you just go and hang out with the little guys?
I just go and skate, man. You only gotta do like three things throughout the whole week, and then you just skate with the kids and rap with them.
Do you have to peel potatoes?
Fucking skate, man. All you gotta do is just go there and skate. It's pretty simple. And I just have mass friends.
You have mass friends? Is that what you're claiming?
I've got mass friends that go there. Yeah, I've got so many friends, it's the greatest, dude. Yeah, I'm fucking killer. I can just see it now, that's gonna be the highlight quote right there. "I got mass friends. I'm fucking the most killerest dude in the world. I'm so rad." Fuck you guys. Whatever, it's Woodward, dude. Everybody makes it out like it's so lame. I go there and have as much fun as anywhere else. It's killer, it's like being in high school again. You just gotta get around the rules, that's all.
Do little kids who go there know who you are?
Not usually. Do they know who I am? Yeah, right. No, they couldn't probably give a fuck who I am, to tell you the truth.
Do you ever have to tell them?
I mean, they ask what my name is. This is the best one ever, I'm there last year, and I'm skating, it's Sunday, the day when all the kids get there, and I'm out there skating the concrete. This kid rolls up to me, and he's like, "Yeah, so, are you sponsored?" I'm like, "Yeah." He's like, "Well, who do you ride for?" I'm like, "I ride for Consolidated." And he's like, "Never heard of them," and just turned around and walked off. It was so rad. Shit like that, man, that's what makes Woodward cool.
Isn't there usually a gymnastics camp by Woodward?
That's the other good thing about Woodward. Yeah, there is. It's a gymnastics camp too.
Are there mad flexible gymnastic bitches around?
Yeah, they're around. They're all right. They don't want to hang out with their dudes. Their dudes are homos, so they're all hyped on us. Obviously there's like mass young ass gymnastics girls, and obviously you can't even try to touch those girls 'cause they're all under 18, but like the coaches and the girls that are counseling, they go out at night and just kick it with us the whole time.
So, have you ever porked a gymnast?
I don't know.
You don't know?
No, I know. I'm just gonna decline to answer that right there. I've had some good times with some of the coaches that go there, I'll put it that way.
Do you have to sneak into their bunk at night?
It just depends on how it runs, man. I've never really snuck into their bunk. They snuck into my bunk a time or two.
Have you ever videotaped a gymnast doing hot, freaky circus sex to you?
I can't be bothered with videotaping. It's like, "Hi, this is fucking Ryan Wilburn. You're watching 411, and I'm porking a gymnast right now." Gimme a break, man. Nobody wants to see that shit.
 What if you never see her again? Don't you want to instant replay?
You think I want to see her again? Fuck all those girls. Gymnast girls, they're way bigger than me. You have no idea. They have no fat. They're just thick. They climb around on the bars all day. They're like fucking gorillas, man.
But thick is good.
I'm not down with thick, man, I'm a little dude.
That's white talk.
You and this white shit. I told you, I'm not coming off this Pocahontas thing.
Do you think if you were around when Indians were around, that you would have killed them?
I don't want to kill anybody.
What if you wanted a turkey really bad, and you were like, "Gimme your turkey!"
I'd kill the fucking turkey, homie, I wouldn't kill the Indians.
What if it was the Indians' turkey?
You don't have to kill them to kill the turkey. Just kill the turkey. Shit wasn't that much different back then than it is now. You're breaking it down to fundamental, regular human-being shit, and it's the same. If it was down to that, I'd just sneak in there and kill their turkey and take it.
Let's say that like eight Indians decided they're not letting Ryan have any turkey, and they put the turkey in the middle of a circle of all Indians, and you really wanted the turkey.
Well, first of all, I'm saying I'm not white. I'm not saying I'm a ninja. So, first thing is, I wouldn't be trying to take on ten Indians by myself.
Let's say you got an Uzi.
An Uzi? What, and I've got a time machine too?
Yeah.
Man, this is getting weird. If I had a time machine, then I'd just teleport to the future and pick up my invisibility cloak and go back and sneak in there and kill the turkey.
All right, but you didn't read the instructions for the time machine, it only travels to the Uzi store.
Man, you're making shit up as you go along, it's just fucking stupid. Bottom line, look, dude, look, bottom line is, I wouldn't fucking kill no Indian. I would just go and take a deer or something.
What if they were Indians from India?
Then they wouldn't be here in the first place. And there wouldn't be a turkey there. You gotta change your animal up. It would have to be some water buffalo or something.
Would you kill an Indian from India?
I wouldn't kill anyone. I don't have any reason, man. Just 'cause I live in America doesn't mean I have all the rage that all these other fuckers have.
What would I need to do to you to make you want to kill me?
Kill my mom or something. I'm a pretty peaceful person. As far as that kind of shit goes.
Isn't there a "no hippie" rule on Consolidated?
It's not hippie, that's just being smart.
What's smart? Not wanting to kill people?
Yeah.
That's stupid, I want to kill so many people.
It's because you've been in the northeast for too long. Just because I don't want to kill people does not make me a fucking hippie.
Sure it does, that's communist hippie talk right there.
Dude, don't say communist. I'm on cell phone right now. They're listening.
Hey, remember that time that you got caught jerking off in Australia?
Yeah, I do. I was actually thinking about that before you called. I didn't get caught jerking off, I got caught afterwards. I was over there on this trip, and I was staying at O'Meally's parents' house, and I was out raging with these Aussie dudes, and I decided to come home early.
They turned you on?
Yeah, I was turned on. I was hanging out with some Aborigines, and I was really hyped 'cause I'm not white, and they're not white either. So, I felt like, yeah, man, I'm really ethnic right now, and I'm hyped. So I go back to O'Meally's parents' house, and I'm laying there, and I'm trying to pass out, and I'm just like it'd probably be pretty good to rub one out right now. So I rubbed one out--
Were you thinking of the Aborigine guys?
No, I kinda forgot about them at that point. I was probably thinking about some hot Aussie chick that I didn't talk to. But, whatever, I rubbed one out and then went straight to pass-out zone pretty much. With everything out on the fly, and I'm passed out, and Serg Trudnowski, Lance Dawes and Huf come back and catch me with it all hanging out. I just saw Dawes a few weeks ago in Phoenix, and the subject came up, and those photos are floating around somewhere with him. Hopefully he's taking good care of them. But, yeah, I just passed out, whatever. Happens to the best of 'em or, in my case, the worst of 'em. Whatever. I'm kinda stupid.
Why did you want a photo of yourself doing a frontside invert below the coping in your interview?
I'm psyched on doing that trick. I don't even care about my hand being below the coping. I'm just psyched to be able to just do the trick. And it's proper steez, so that hand could come up on that coping, man.
Are you asking me to Photoshop it?
Yeah, just take my whole arm out, man, make it look like I'm a dude with no arm doing a frontside invert.
Don't you think you should practice on your own time?
Practice what? I don't practice, man.
Well, how come we're getting a faulty frontside invert for your interview?
It's not faulty. There's no rules in skateboarding.
Have you ever smoked a cigarette while on the nicotine patch?
I've probably had one on and ripped it off and was pissed and just lit up a smoke. Actually, I did do that just to test it out. Because they tell you in the instructions not to, and I was just like, fuck this, man, I'm just gonna see what happens.
Rebel smoker.
Yeah, I'm so fucking crazy, Whoa.
Did you ever smoke a cigarette dipped in formaldehyde?
 No, I think they're dipped in formaldehyde anyway. I did other shit in high school, man. I think I was a senior in high school, and I had this geography class, it was a full movie scene. Like come in every day, and we'd sit down, and the guy would tell us our assignment, and he'd have a newspaper at his desk, the paper would go up, and it was just a fucking storm, paper wads, airplanes, kids are climbing out the back window to go smoke cigs. I think this dude was drunk when he came into class every day. Every Friday we'd watch this video, and it was like each week was a different state that the video was about. So me and a couple friends decided we were gonna steal the video on Thursday, and we took it back to my friends's house and recorded porno in the middle of it.
That's great.
Yeah, it was killer, but we fucked up because everyone in the class knew that we did it, and that's a major fuck up. So we go in and sneak the tape back in. He comes in, pretty much just got our heads down on our desks, like just laughing our asses off. It plays for a while, shit comes on the whole classroom erupts like insane laughter, you know? Everybody knew it was coming anyway, but whatevs, it was just so funny. It takes him like a minute to even get up and realize what's happening. So they put this rewardout in the school for whoever would turn us in. There was this one little redneck dude in the class, he was gonna rat us out, and my mom knew about it. My mom was a teacher at my school, and she knew that I did it, I told her. She was actually amped on it, she was laughing, she thought it was funny, but she's like, "You fucked up telling all your friends, so you gotta turn yourself in." Because it was like near finals, and we were gonna get suspended if we got ratted out. So we ended up turning ourselves in, we got in-school suspension for a week or something. I had to pay for the video. I graduated that year. The next year, my mom is like, "You wouldn't believe it. The same shit happened." They didn't even buy a new video, man. The same shit happened for the next three years. They never switched the video out. They just kept running the same video, the best thing I've ever done in my life, I think.
It's not that great.
I don't know, it's a pretty good legacy to leave in high school.
Yeah, it's pretty cool, but it's kinda sad if that's the best thing you've ever done in your life.
Yeah, you're right, but it's a pretty fucking good one, man.
Coming from Tennessee, do you have any sisters or cousins that you've had sex with?
No, actually I don't. I know you'd like to hear the contrary, but, no, never did that. That's West Virginia.
Have you ever helped a sheep over a fence?
Only pig. Whatever, man, that's not my shit.
What? Pig shit or animal shit?
All that. Look, dude, I was just trying to chase girls in high school. I wasn't trying to fuck animals or my cousins. I wasn't that stupid. I mean, shit's pretty backwards in Tennessee, but where I was at, it wasn't that bad.
Do you hate Johnny Knoxville for blowing up your spot?
I don't personally, but all my homies in Knoxville are pretty salty at him. Whenever you tell people, "I'm from Knoxville, Tennessee." "Oh, is that like Johnny Knoxville?" I already went through all that shit when I went out to California for the first time, when that stupid Arrested Development song was out, "Tennessee." And I got that everywhere I went, whenever people would ask me, "Where you from?" "Oh, I'm from Tennessee." "Oh, like the song?" I'm just glad the dude got outta there and did something. He's doing stupid shit and making millions. Good for him, man. I have no problem with it. They should be glad that people are even thinking of Knoxville, because there ain't shit going on there.
For a while you were having sex with the Vans team manager. What was that like?
Pretty boring. It's like the worst thing. Take it from me, don't ever date anyone in the skate industry.
Well, it's mostly dudes.
Well, yeah, don't do that, for sure. You can't let the worlds collide, man. My girlfriend now doesn't know shit about skating, and it's great.
Are there any other team managers that you would consider having sex with?
Oh, yeah. Mic-E Reyes is pretty cute.
I thought you said you didn't like 'em big and thick.
Oh, but Mic-E's luscious. There's a difference. Mic-E has personality, it's cool.
How come you didn't get your ass kicked when you left Stereo?
There's a difference between leaving Deluxe and getting kicked off Deluxe. If you get kicked off Deluxe, you're not gonna get your ass kicked; if you leave, then you might.
Are you bummed that you didn't?
I got my ass kicked by Mic-E Reyes a couple times. Not in the sense that you're thinking. Play-fighting shit. I had a lot of good times with Mic-E.
But you're not a very strong guy though.
Not strong in what sense? Physically? Shit, that doesn't matter. What matters is your mental.
I'm just saying in general, you're kind of a pussy.
You've never fought me.
No, I would just take your hands and make you punch yourself.
Really?
I heard Hutch beat the shit out of you.
Yeah, he pretty much whipped my ass, and I had it coming. It's cool. I accepted it.
Did you apologize?
Why would I apologize to Hutch for him whipping my ass?
Well, you need someone to take your photos.
We're friends. It goes beyond that. I mean, I'm not gonna apologize to somebody for whipping my ass, like, "Hey, thanks, man, for kicking my ass."
I don't know what else to ask you. You have any questions for me?
When you gonna come up here to Portland?
 Last time I was in Portland I saw a pregnant woman shooting heroin on a bus bench, and that bummed me out.
I think you got a bad impression of Portland. That shit definitely goes on here, but I've been living here for almost two years, and I've never seen any pregnant girls at the bus stop doing heroin. I've never seen any pregnant girls anywhere doing heroin. It's like the most kill place in the world right now, but it gets kinda weird in the winter 'cause it just rains all the time, so people get all trippy.
You're getting pretty old, and your hair is starting to grey, and I think you're going bald too. What are you gonna do once Consolidated is over you?
I don't know, probably go back to school, check out the other side of life, I guess, I'll give you the getting-old part and the hair going grey, but I'm definitely not balding, man. I got a pretty thick head of hair right now.
You think you can get Consolidated to make headdresses?
Birdo will do whatever. We're still fine tuning the meat helmet right now. Some R and D on it, riders are checking it out. We're having a problem with the flies, but we got some new chemicals put on there, and I think the meat helmet will be out for the San Diego trade show.
But the Ryan Wilburn Indian Headdress pro model would be good.
I don't know if we can run that, man. It's kinda hard to skate with a headdress on.
No, it's definitely for when you're chilling.
Like a chilling shoe? Like you take off your beanie and put your headdress on? No, I'd rather have a tomahawk. That way it would be functional. Like with a headdress, you're just wearing it, like flair. But a tomahawk actually has some function. You're carrying a tomahawk around the bar, nobody's gonna fuck with you, man.
Yeah, but if you're wearing a headdress, it says, "This is my chilling headdress." It informs people that Ryan Wilburn is chilling.
If you're wearing a headdress that says, "This is my chilling headdress," you're fucked up already. Anybody that sees you wearing a headdress around should just know that you're chilling. I don't need to advertise it, man. I'd rather have a tomahawk.
What are you gonna do with a tomahawk?
Fuck, man, you know if any problems arise, then you got the tomahawk. That's what I'm saying, it's functional.
I thought we didn't kill people?
I'm not trying to kill people, man, I'm just trying to defend myself.
Oh, just scalp a motherfucker?
Hey, man, whatever you gotta do.
I thought you were a little hippie. What do you need a tomahawk for, Mr. Hippie-pants?
I told you I'm not a hippie. Just because I don't want to kill people doesn't mean I'm not a hippie, I mean, it doesn't mean I am a hippie. Yeah, take that one out of context there, Nieratko.
Are you or are you not a hippie?
I'm not a hippie, man.
But you're kind of a hippie.
I mean, shit, I live in Oregon, it rubs off a little bit. But it's not like I'm wearing patchouli and shit.
Just tell me your sponsors, hippie, so I can go to bed.
That's such a killer way to end an interview. My sponsors: Consolidated, Sessions, Pig, Emerica, Indy, S-One, and that's it. Killer.
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