Skinema Review / Chris Nieratko Interview
[ by Chris Riordan ]
Porn is disgusting. I admit to being rather fond of the beautiful ladies of softcore, but real pornographic material is a shameful product of our demented society. Sure, everyone needs to bust a nut from time to time - but real fucking and sucking on film is just depressing to even think about. The last time I utilized a porn tape to coax some semen out of my shaft I felt, almost immediately upon ejaculation, like jumping off a skyscraper and eating beef jerky all the way down.
That was a tape called "Girls 8" which I got from this asshole named Chris Nieratko who I knew through Big Brother Skateboarding Magazine. In addition to annoying bands and skateboarders with his hostile interviewing methods, he also reviewed porno films for Vice. Apparently he had a whole bunch of extra tapes, so when I sent him a carton of cigarettes from the Indian Reservation near my house he sent me a box of free stuff he got simply for being involved in the media. They call that free stuff "swag." I was hoping for a nice new set of skateboard wheels, but the dude sent me crappy porn tapes and some clothes I wouldn't even bury my worst enemy in.
Personally, I have never actually purchased any pornography in my life. It's not that I give a shit about feminism, it's that I'm cheap enough to try and trick girls into getting naked on my own. And also, I would feel embarrassed going into a store and purchasing porn. It's pretty much like admitting to the world you can't get laid. You should keep those sort of facts to yourself.
The only thing I imagine being more spiritually devastating than buying porn is buying a book about what some other guy thinks about the porn he watches. To get turned on by what some guy likes or dislikes about the stretch-marked and bucktoothed bitches he beats off to has to be some undefined form of bisexual deviancy.
The only reason I read this book was because I know Chris Nieratko to be one of the most entertaining writers of our time. The guy can cruise drunk through a McDonald's drive-thru, be unhappy with the toy he got in the Happy Meal, and then manage to worm this experience into a porn review without really talking about the fucking and sucking at all. And he gets paid money to do it. Luckily both the New Jersey and Karma Police revoked his license for being such a dipshit. No one should be allowed to slink through life like that.
Oh, and you want to know what a total asshole this guy is? Twice I gave him a ride in my Chevy Lumina after he drank himself into pedestrianism and he found a way to bitch about it both times. Once because I "drove like a girl" and once because I had an ounce of reefer in my glove compartment and he feared it would land him in jail. It was swag.
If he wasn't such a talented writer and comedic force, I would probably despise him. It's hard to hate someone that makes you laugh so hard, though. I recently interviewed him about his first book - a collection of some weird tales revolving around porno tapes - and used some of the aggressively assholish questions he peppered pro skateboarders and rock bands with while working for Big Brother. He didn't much like the bitter taste of his own medicine, but when you have to whore a book you have to whore a book.
What's it like being married to a black Nubian princess?
Is that some kind of racial joke because I just opened my second skateshop, NJ II, in New Brunswick, NJ, the home of the sexy Rutgers women's basketball team that has been getting so much attention lately?
Is it tough to clean up piss stink?
Everybody seems to have an image nowadays: You got your punk rocker, your rap guy, etc. What's your image?
I am a 60 year old man trapped in a 30 year old's body. I grease my hair and wear cardigans. I drive a 1960 Cadillac Deville and I only listen to 50s doo-wop. At my wedding I had a 5-foot tall Elvis ice sculptor and had the caterer recreate Elvis and Pricilla's exact wedding cake. Basically my image is that of a man born 30 years too late.
Cutting Edge! Does it help to think gay thoughts?
Nothing ever does. No. Not that there's anything wrong with that, for those that do.
Now, how did you get so little [in size]?
I get up at 6am every day and see how long I can go without food. Sometimes it's an hour, sometimes it's two days. Fuck the Miami diet. I'm on the Ethiopian diet.
I heard you can't even crack an egg without taking some Valiums?
Been drug free for years now so who ever told you that lied.
Are you sure you never lined your backpack with water and kept a lobster with you?
Man, I wish. Pinchy would have wanted it that way.
Does doing this interview make you sort of reflect on your past and how you made other people feel with your interviews?
No, not at all. I was always good at getting a rise out of people. You never were.
Humpf. Did you and the Jackass gang ever, you know, gay off?
Not that I remember. But then again I used to do a lot of drugs.
I heard you telling some little brats in your skate shop that Bam Margera was your friend. Do you just say that so they will buy your wares, or do you really enjoy the company of that obnoxious and egotistical goth douchebag?
I haven't talked to Bam in some time but I am very proud of his success. Money makes the world go round, so maybe I was playing car salesman when you heard me drop Bam's name. There's very little I wouldn't do to turn a buck. I mean, hell, look. I've resorted to talking to you for press for my book, Skinema. That should say it all. I prayed that I would never have the displeasure of ever having to deal with you again.
Unlike you, your retarded Uncle is pretty sweet. I watched that QuickTime video of him eating spaghetti about 12 times. Did you coach him to dance like that or does he just do that shit all the time?
Uncle Lonnie is going to be 60 in November but believes he is either 4 or 7 years old, depending on what day it is. He is the ruler and he has been running that good-time vibe his entire life. We're lucky to have him to entertain us.
You're clearly an elitist snob. What's it like sharing the world with so many plebeians and people not worthy of your time or coolness?
Boring, very, very boring. Thank God someone invented mirrors.
When is this fucking futuristic TV show and magazine coming out? People talk like it's a dead deal and Carnie won't accept reality. I choose faith. Faith in TV. I'm still pulling for you guys, but it's been a long time coming.
Wednesdays me and my wife watch Lost. It's also taco night (non-sexual). Most times the tacos are better than Lost.
That's some deep shit, man. Are you going to start focusing on books now or what? You know it's a lot cooler to have books on store shelves than articles in magazines that sit on newsstands for a month before being hauled to the recycling center.
If I can sucker someone else to give a fool like me a chance to write a 2nd book, I'm game. But I can't imagine anyone would make such a bad decision twice.
You just got married. When do you plan on porking around on your woman and getting some stank on your hanglow again? 30 is awful young to commit yourself to one broad, init?
I've been trying to knock her up since Valentine's Day when she went off the pill but after 20 years of pulling out to avoid getting girls pregnant I keep forgetting to leave it in. I think I need to tie a rope around both of us so I can't go anywhere. But as for cheating on her…I'm dumb but I'm not stupid. I know she is far out of my league and I'd be a moron to jeopardize that. You know what I'm talking about. You're a pretty repulsive looking guy. Who wants to bed down with you? No one. So why would I ever risk a good thing to go swim in the same pool as you?
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© 2007 chrisnieratko.com