Skinema Review / Interview
[ by derrik chinn ]
Former editor of Big Brother magazine and a founding member of the "Jackass" clan, Chris Nieratko now "reviews" porn flicks for Vice magazine. What makes it onto paper usually has nothing to do with the actual film, however.
Take the review for "Photographic Mammaries Volume 4," where he writes, "You wouldn't believe how often I bump into someone, and they try to get all nostalgic like, 'Do you remember that time you vomited on that stripper's crotch while she was on stage?'" Or for "Double or Nothing," which begins with, "Did I ever tell you I had AIDS once? Once. For two weeks. God! That was awful."
Vice Books has pieced together Nieratko's cocky, booze-driven tirades to form his first book, "Skinema," a sticky-paged diary of crude, graphic, offensive, ridiculous, irrelevant rants. It'll no doubt go on to become a bible for the modern North American male, collar-flipping bros and chicken-legged skaters alike.
He'll be signing copies at Overload in North Park on July 15.
In your own words, what is your book about?
It's part self-help book, part romance novel. It should teach people that "drugs are bad, mmm-kay?" and a charming man always gets laid. I wanted to pose on the cover with my damsel a la Fabio book cover, but the publisher informed me that I am not in very good shape.
"Skinema" sounds like something you'd get from a Russian prostitute. Do tell.
Have you ever been given a dog by a friend? And that dog already has a name? You can't go and change the dog's name. You'll confuse the damn animal. Same with "Skinema." It was the name of the column I inherited, named by my good friend Gavin McInnes. So what was I gonna do? Change the name? No matter how badly I wanted to, they wouldn't let me ... I mean, I would never do that to him.
Have you always aspired to be a reviewer of porno?
Ever since I was 6 years old. Do you consider me a reviewer of porn? Many porn publicists have accused me otherwise. Some get downright angry that I don't mention anything about their movies. It always makes me laugh. I've been doing this for nearly 10 years. What do they honestly expect from me? Porn plotline breakdowns? God. I'd hate to ruin the surprise ending for anyone.
Set all the bros straight by telling us what sucks about reviewing porn.
I imagine if I actually had to masturbate each time, I'd have no skin left on my hands, which would deter real women from bedding down with me. Which would mean I would have never met my wife. Which means I would have never gotten off drugs and therefore I would have been dead years ago. So I guess it's safe to say if you review porn, you will die of a drug overdose.
Do you actually watch every film you review?
I'd go blind if I did. I get hundreds of DVDs a month, and they ain't all that brilliant. I usually just search for the funny titles or typos. Or the lesbian titles with women that look like my wife.
What's your favorite porn of all time?
The Seymore Butts film, shot in Jamaica, "Jamaican Me Horny" always makes me laugh. I'm also a big fan of any titles with unintentional typos in the name, like "Bottm Feeders #13."
What will porn of the future be like?
iPhones with penis holes cut in them. Or in the shape of a dildo.
Anything else you'd care to share?
If you go to Chrisnieratko.com and look at some of the older intros, you can see my wife use her retarded Uncle Lonnie as a beer holder. It's pretty entertaining. Keep your eyes peeled for my movie one day. It's going to be a new genre in film, the AIDS comedy. Oh. Buy more Foundation Skateboards so my friend Amy has more money for diapers and baby Chanel handbags.
c/o sign on sandiego
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© 2007 chrisnieratko.com