Chris Nieratko Interview
[ by Joanna from BurningAngel.com ]
I did a very naughty thing this month...I broke the Interview rules! Ahhhh! Yes, it is true...I interviewed an author and NOT a band. BUT, I promise he's worthy of a BurningAngel interview, and just as cool, sexy and smart as any band member out there! He's already in bed (photo to your left) with January and Daphne...pretty impressive for a dorky writer! Read this interview with Vice Magazine's Chris Nieratko; he just published a book of his porn reviews, called SKINEMA and this might be the funniest interview I ever did!
Chris: Let me make sure if this thing works...give me a sec--
Joanna: No, I'm going to ask a few questions about you! Exciting...
Chris: The tables have turned...
Joanna: I know, right?
Chris: Let's see: “Joanna Angel interviews Chris Nieratko: News at 11.”
[Tape cuts off; pause]
Joanna: Ok, so yeah – I'm going to start 'cause I'm doing the interview.
Chris: Ok. I was trying to decide if I should put “Joanna's Angels” on while you were interviewing me so that...so that--
Joanna: So you can start acting like a creep?
Chris: No, it's just, I thought it would be funny 'cause I've never been interviewed while watching the person interviewing me getting fucked in the ass.
Joanna: Well, if you think that'll make things go smoother...[Laughs]
Chris: [Laughs] No, I think it'll make me nervous. I don't do well with women in general, so to have to have a conversation while one is getting--
Joanna: Well, when you were interviewing me for Bizarre, you didn't know but I was actually watching a video of you getting fucked in the ass the whole time it was happening.
Joanna: Uh-huh. I got an anonymous tip – [Laughs]
Chris: I'm going to call my wife right now 'cause she's the only one that has that video.
Joanna: Ok, now I am going to explain that this interview is very special for many reasons. First of all, everyone should know – if they haven't picked it up already – that you interviewed me for Bizarre Magazine, as well as a few of our other girls, so I'm interviewing an interviewer, which is crazy! Second of all, we always have interviews with bands on BurningAngel, but you're going to be the first author.
Joanna: Is that what you call yourself: an author?
Chris: Uh, no I don't.
Joanna: But you just put out a book, correct?
Chris: Yeah, but it doesn't really mean a lot to me 'cause I try to ignore the fact that it's out there.
Chris: I'm really nervous about it.
Joanna: Why are you nervous about it?
Chris: Because it's just all the stories in it are completely fucked stories from the past ten years, and most of it is from when I was addicted to drugs and blacking out on pills and alcohol and having sex with--
Joanna: We've all had those years – well, maybe not all of us, but the ones that matter.
Chris: I know, but most of us don't take notes on it and then try to sell the notes.
Joanna: Hey, I've been writing in my blog for a long time, so...I sell those notes for $12 a month, along with some naked photos of myself. [Laughs]
Chris: See, that's where you've got me beat 'cause no one wants naked photos of me!
Joanna: So, what's the name of your book?
Chris: It's called SKINEMA.
Joanna: And it's a book of short stories? I didn't actually read the book. I would like to though!
Chris: Yeah, so then we're going to have to get you one.
Joanna: Sounds like something I would like.
Chris: I sent your girl out there with a copy... Sabrina should have a copy if you bump into her. But I will get you yours, if you want to just peek. Yeah, so what is it? What it is is the past ten years of porn reviews from Vice and Bizarre Magazines.
Joanna: Ok, so you review porn for Vice?
Chris: Yeah. They only do, like, one review a month and Bizarre does, like, five reviews a month. And so, yeah – it's basically my life in “500 words or less”. Every review is “500 words or less” and there's got to be over 300 of 'em in there. And they're all just--
Joanna: Did you ever review one of my movies?
Chris: Yeah – there's a couple of them in there!
Joanna: Are there? Then that means the book is good!
Chris: Yeah, the book is officially good. And I think in that one is the one where I said I'm jealous of you for being the first person to do tattoo pornos because I should've been smarter and quicker to the punch.
Joanna: Well, I'm jealous of you because you wrote a book. So there!
Chris: Yeah, but anybody can write a book.
Joanna: I don't think that's true.
Chris: It takes someone special to not only have sex on camera, but to hold the camera at the same time.
Joanna: [Laughs] Umm, ok, so your book has porn reviews in it...that were published...did Vice put out the book?
Chris: Vice TV/MTV put out the book. So, yeah, it's just my stories disguised as porn reviews. It's like Creative Writing 101 – I took the titles of the movies and then spun the titles to have something to do with a story or anecdote in my life, so basically -
Joanna: That's craaaazy! So let's try this in the interview now: do Cum On My Tattoo. Shoot! Tell me a story!
Chris: Ummm, maybe Cum On My Tattoo is in there. Maybe it is!
Chris: Cum On My Tattoo would be a story probably about bad tattoos I've seen, and then I would just – let me give you another one. If it was a Latin movie, it would be about how I had to cross the border from Mexico to America with Valiums in my shoes and they were all wrapped in aluminum foil and then I realized they had just installed metal detectors...
Joanna: Ok, so these are not actually reviews of porn at all?
Chris: Well, they've got a picture -
Joanna: Cause a review would say whether you liked the porn, whether you didn't like the porn, -
Chris: The porn really never gets mentioned – no.
Joanna: [Laughs] So you're just using the porn titles as, like, -
Chris: I'm using porn!
Joanna: You're using porn.
Chris: Yeah, 'cause it's used me all these years, so it's my turn to, you know...get on top.
Joanna: You're using porn as your muse...
Chris: Yeah, exactly. I stare aimlessly into your butt, all the time for inspiration, Joanna.
Joanna: [Laughs] Well, uh, I don't know what to say. I'd say the same, but that would be kind of hard.
Chris: And it would take a long time. And yeah...it's not a pretty sight. But I do shave – I shave my butt! If that helps your readers envision my butt at all. I've got a really crazy phobia – I don't know if it's a phobia, but HATRED for body hair.
Joanna: Oh, so you shave it all? I mean if you shave your body hair, it just comes back more.
Chris: Yeah, I'm realizing I'm losing the War on Hair, and I'm ready to go in with lasers.
Joanna: Oh really?
Chris: I think I want to use lasers.
Joanna: So you have light skin and dark hair? If you do, you're the prime candidate.
Chris: Yeah, I don't know that I do.
Joanna: You could do waxing.
Chris: I just don't ever want to see it again! I'm broken up with Hair, and I don't ever want to look back!
Joanna: Do you mind having hair on your head?
Chris: Below the chin, I don't want any hair. It's just a gross out.
Joanna: I understand.
Chris: When I was 11, I freaked out when I saw my first pubic hair growing. And I got really--
Joanna: On you or on a girl?
Chris: On me! And I was very young and it was like, here's a beautiful boy and now there's hair down there. So I was like, “What the FUCK is happening to me?” And I used to read a lot of comic books, so I thought I was turning into a werewolf.
Chris: So I got really freaked out, and I was kind of an emotional nut back then 'cause I had this broken family, so I was like, “Oh my god, I'm going to turn into a werewolf and then my family isn't going to know it's me and they'll try to kill me, so I'm going to have to go live in the woods and I'm going to start killing goats and shit and it's all gonna go south. And I was only, like, 11 years old.
Joanna: Right, and you were having a total, straight-up mental breakdown. That's not very healthy to do that at 11 – you're supposed to be, like, kissing girls. Not even kissing girls – I don't know what people do at 11.
Chris: Well, I read comic books. Where was porn when I needed it?
Joanna: [Laughs] I don't know!
Chris: Yeah, I don't know. So, that's kind of like where the beginning of the “hatred of hair” begins.
Joanna: Well, there are ways to get rid of it.
Chris: Do you know if they use lasers in your nose?
Joanna: No, but you can get one of those nose-hair trimmer things.
Chris: It's ineffective. I think the hairs hear it coming and they hide.
Joanna: Maybe it's not even there. I think you need to write a book about body hair.
Chris: Yeah, I don't even want to acknowledge its presence.
Joanna: [Laughs] You don't want to give it the credit?
Chris: Yeah, I don't want to give it the press. It's just like, “Fuck you, and your whole scene!”
Joanna: I understand. I feel ya.
Joanna: So, I have interviewed many bands over the past few years, and...you know...more times than not I get some good, juicy stories about girls – or guys, or whatever – on the road who just want to bang the dude in the band.
Joanna: Sometimes, people don't want to cough up the stories, but they're just trying to play, like, the innocent boy. We know that they're just lying. Now, does that happen to authors [starts laughing].
Chris: Umm, being that my book has only been out a week, there have been no pants that have been dropped in the past seven days.
Chris: As much as I would really love to entertain the offers, I have received NONE.
Joanna: So you are an author in need of some groupies, is what you're sayin'.
Chris: Right! And I'm actually running a contest on my site – wow, a weird segue into a plug! On ChrisNieratko.com we're giving away books to girls that send naked photos or whatever.
Joanna: I hope that those girls are going to be over the age of 18.
Chris: Always over the age of 18. In my house, over the age of 21 to 25 preferably. Just because I don't think my wife would mess with 18-year-olds.
Joanna: Yeah, that's weird – what am I talking about? I've messed around with so many 18-year-olds.
Chris: I'm not down with their scene either. But yeah, there's a couple of girls on your site that I have closet crushes on. So maybe they'll send their photos--
Joanna: Me too! Isn't that weird? I've got crushes on some of the girls on my site, and when they come to work for me, I get nervous...'cause I want to make out with them. And it makes me feel old and dirty. It's a good thing that I'm kind of a cute girl, so I'm allowed to be old and dirty.
Chris: Yeah, it definitely helps.
Joanna: It helps my case, but it still makes me feel terrible on the inside. Is that weird?
Chris: I would not feel terrible if I was in your position. I would probably exploit it for all it's worth. Because like I said earlier about empowerment – you should have a female casting couch. Your casting couch should be one of those gynecologist chairs.
Joanna: Oh, that's terrible. [Laughs] Those things are not flattering to your vagina!
Chris: But just great to watch tv in! Just air everything out...it's nice. It's cool.
Joanna: So there aren't “author groupies”. So you're telling people if they really want to get laid, they shouldn't write books. They should go be in a band.
Chris: Yeah, I would think so. Maybe in a month. I used to get laid more when I was a nobody. I don't know why that is.
Chris: Even now that I'm married, I used to get laid more when I was only engaged.
Joanna: It happens!
Chris: It's like a race to fall asleep.
Joanna: [Laughing] I mean, do you have any advice out there for any aspiring authors?
Chris: Who want to get laid?
Joanna: Uh, no. I guess you should just tell them that they need to give up on that – you gotta do it for the greater cause.
Chris: Well, no – what they need to do is sell a lot of books and then they could pay people for sex I suppose.
Joanna: Yeah, but it's much better when people are chasing after you, rather than chasing after them with a credit card.
Chris: Well, if you have a stack of 100-dollar bills, you can leave a trail and they'll be chasing after you.
Joanna: You think any of the authors get laid? Like what about Tom Clancy or Dean Koontz? What about those guys – are those the guys that are always getting laid and don't deserve it? You know, like in the band world, there's always those dudes in the crappy band that's like a total sellout band, but they're cute, so they're always getting laid but they don't deserve it.
Chris: Yeah, but the problem is that no one even knows what the authors look like! That is why I was pushing to have my face on the cover of the book.
Joanna: Oh, but you didn't even make it to the cover of your own book?
Chris: No, I couldn't. Instead they used some Brazilian actress that Terry Richardson shot.
Joanna: It's a really nice picture.
Chris: Yeah, it's cute. But yeah, so my chances of finding some girl to bed down with me and my wife--
Joanna: You don't get that sexy, little mugshot on the inside cover?
Chris: You know, I've planted a few in there! But, it's not as effective as being on the front cover, you know? You walk by my face in the airport, you're going to be like, “Hey! That's a nice little face he's got there. I bet he's got a nice-- ” But you know what, my Myspace is ringing off the hook with girls. Someone actually did say “Marry me” and she was pretty put together.
Joanna: Well, that's good! Maybe it will attract a higher echelon of girls, since it's like, a book and not music.
Chris: Yeah, I'm just hoping that maybe I can finally meet a girl who can read.
Chris: That's always been a big dream for me.
Joanna: That's good! I hope you find that! So do you plan on writing another book in the future?
Chris: Yeah, I've got enough of this crap to fill three books, so...I'm going to write another.
Joanna: That's good...do people read anymore?
Chris: I don't think they do.
Joanna: Do they read or do they only look at pictures?
Chris: Well, that's why I included pictures of sexy, tattooed butts.
Joanna: That's smart!
Chris: I didn't want to fall prey to the ever-growing number of illiterates we have in America.
Joanna: You wanted to make sure people bought the book even if they weren't going to read it.
Chris: Yeah, exactly. Like maybe if their coffee table was unbalanced, they could stick that underneath a leg or something.
Joanna: I mean, the other day we needed to use a book on our porn shoot! These people were banging on a table and it was unsteady, so we needed to use a book and some tape. I think we used Grey's Anatomy.
Chris: It could've been me...
Joanna: [Laughs] It could've been. And their could've been a slight chance it was in a movie. Cause that's not going to ruin anyone's boner.
Chris: [Laughs] Imagine if Nascar did that – like a floating Coca Cola can came floating across the screen.
Joanna: So is this Vice TV's first book?
Chris: Yeah – I am popping their cherry.
Joanna: But Vice TV and Vice are the same, right?
Chris: Yeah, but this is the first book under the Vice TV/MTV books umbrella. It's a whole division now.
Joanna: So you're being put out by MTV?
Joanna: You know what that means? That means the you're a sellout. People at MTV are sellouts and we don't have any respect for those people.
Chris: Really? Well my bank account is still empty, if that means anything.
Joanna: Well, anyways, is their anything else you'd like to say about your book?
Chris: I don't know – you didn't even read the notes I sent you.
Joanna: Well, I figure you send those notes to everyone who interviews you, and I don't want to ask you the same questions as everyone else.
Chris: Actually, I don't send those to a lot of people.
Joanna: Only me?
Chris: Only you. 'Cause you are my special sunshine.
Joanna: Well, I hope people buy your book. Maybe one day if BurningAngel is as big as MTV, we will put out your next book.
Chris: That would be swell! And then one day I could have my face on the cover, and you can morph my head onto your body.
Joanna: No, we'll have to put one of the girls. We'll put Kylee's face on the cover or something.
Chris: I just can't fuckin' win! I don't understand! All I want is my face on the cover so I can meet a pretty girl and bring her home to my wife, and I cannot fuckin' get it! I'm gonna have to write another book and they're still going to be like, “Nope, still no face,” and I'm gonna write another book and another book--
Joanna: You're going to have to do porno! That's what you're going to have to do!
Chris: I already DO porno – you already have the video.
Joanna: Oh yeah, of you getting fucked in the ass? That didn't even make it past the QC [Quality Control] department.
Chris: I thought that was what all the kids liked these days!
Joanna: Ok, well we got to end this interview now or else the girl that transcribes it – Jojo – is going to get very upset. No more! [Laughs]
Chris: Alright, I don't know what else to tell you anyway! Goodbye!
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