Picture This: Debbie Harry And Blondie
[ author: mick rock ]
 I think it's safe to say that at the peak of her career, back in the 1980s, you'd be hard pressed to find someone that didn't fantasize about fucking Debbie Harry; male or female, straight or gay. Her slutty hotness appealed to every walk of life and defined cool. But as a rule of thumb I try not to keep tabs on celebrities I lusted for in my younger years for the sheer fact that no one ages gracefully (except Dolly Parton) and I don't want to taint the image in my head of the way they were.
That said, when I was offered all access tickets to see Blondie last summer in Chicago I almost refused to go. I hadn't seen a current photo of Debbie Harry in nearly 20 years and I didn't want to accidentally bump into some elderly woman with a walker and a colostomy bag and say, "Pardon me, madam. Could you tell me where I can find the lovely Debbie Harry," only to have her remove her oxygen mask and say, "That's me," and have her try and force her wrinkled tongue in my mouth. Not only would it have induced instant vomiting (I can only imagine old tongues are really, really leathery) but it would've forced me to go home and burn all my Blondie records and make anyone in my circle of friends vow never, ever to mention her name again.
Luckily my friends aren't as oblivious as I am and have kept up on Debbie Harry. They convinced me I'd be pleasantly surprised when I saw her. They told me she held together like most American Muscle; a little wear and tear, but overall a solid piece of machinery. So I went and as we drove to the venue I drifted off, imagining that Debbie hadn't aged a day since awkwardly rapping with Fab 5 Freddy. I drenched my thoughts in her angelic, milky white skin, becoming intoxicated from the smell of her golden locks. "Debbie. What shampoo is that..." I thought to her, as she flashed me a coy little smile, "It doesn't matter, I love you."
"Chris!" My friend stole me back and asked what I'd been thinking about.
Ignoring him I asked the lot of them, "If you had a chance to bed down with Debbie Harry tonight would you? Not really knowing what she looks like these days, just going off the memory that's burned into your head, would you sleep with her?" You'd think we were a car full of choirboys and not skateboarders the way we sung the word, "Yes," in unison. Then we saw her. The curtain opened, the house lights found her and had the band not already begun playing then the entire audience would have heard the sounds of our hearts breaking. She was old. She was no longer the girl we'd fallen in love with. Her skin hung lose on her face and arms like a perfectly cooked spare rib, her mini skirt was far too short for anyone her age and the worst of it? She had panty lines! Panty lines are sexy only with sweatpants or business casual. But these weren't cute, ass-defining panty lines. She was wearing big granny panties. I wanted to cry for her. Is there anything grosser than grandma panties? I wanted to rush the stage, rip them off her, use them as a sail and sail off to some faraway land where I would never have to think of the horror I saw that night. But it was too late, the damage had been done.
So I broke up with Debbie Harry that night and haven't thought about her since. Until Mick Rock's new book of Debbie Harry photographs, Picture This, arrived last week. Opening it, seeing all the photos of Debbie Harry back when we were in love felt oddly familiar, like when your ex comes by and drops off the box of belongings, gifts, photos and memories that plagued her life, reminding her of you. Oh, a photo of us at the park. Our boarding passes from Hawaii. God, what was I thinking with that moustache? Hey! Who's that guy? And why is he naked, wearing my tie? Leafing through the pages something began to pull on my heartstrings. Was I falling in love with Debbie all over again? Maybe I was too hasty, maybe I could have been a bit more understanding. Pictures don't lie. She looked more and more perfect with each page. I should call her. Maybe we could get some sushi. Maybe we'll have amazing make-up sex and she'll see I've changed.
Who am I kidding? Even if we did get back together it wouldn't mean anything, it would just be one night of raw, detached sex. Nothing more. We're both different people than we were in the 80s. But one thing hasn't changed; I still think old people are gross and the reality is Debbie ain't no spring chicken anymore. I'll always have the memories though. They can't take that away from me.
Comments
Sioul
14 Nov 2009, 06:23
u r qa dumb fuck - we all age , but would love to know how you lok after 30 years!
Visigoth
09 Jun 2010, 01:13
Everyone ages, and you're acting childishly about it.
The one thing that truly makes me sad about Debbie Harry is that she didn't pass on her beauty and talent by having children. However, it's better she remain childless than procreate with a Jew (co-founder Chris Stein, whom she dated for a while). Not only would procreating with him have been bad for a child, seeing as Stein suffered a life-threatening genetic disorder called Pemphigus, caused by the heavy inbreeding in the Ashkenazim community, it would have been bad for the White race, because yet another talented & beautiful White woman would be improving Jewish racial stock instead of her own.
hannah
25 Aug 2010, 20:37
oh,,, take your time to be true hearted fan of her. As for me,,,i also wanted to avoid seeing her old age looks, but,i got used to it. Now i love her whether she is young or old, because still she has sexy voice and really cute inocent smile and personality.Plus she still has decent beauty. i love her as she is. i went to see her concert from korea to las vegas this summer. She was still amezing!!!
Stephan
25 Nov 2010, 13:35
Hey man, we all get old. And honestly, I don't know what you are talking about. She looks incredible and I dare say, being older than Dolly Parton or Cher, she looks tons better. Search YouTube under "Blondie, Mother" and you will see a recent video with one of their new songs from their upcoming album. Enjoy because she looks strikingly similar to how she looked 30 plus years ago.
QRS
06 Dec 2010, 01:16
visigoth's comment was utterly disturbing...
except for the childish part, that was correct.
Weasel Semark
14 Feb 2011, 02:16
You mouth breathers do know that this is Chris Nieratko's website, right? And, if you did, did you really expect some grovelling, mealy-mouthed tribute to Debbie Harry? I'm surprised he mentioned her at all, or the book. Great review Sir!
wayneg
14 Oct 2011, 21:06
Do you have any idea of what a fucking piece of discusting tripe you are? What gives you the right to be so cruel and nasty to people? People like Deborah Harry that have done great things with their lives, over come great challenges to get where they are and made millions and millions of people happy with their wonderful talent. What have you ever given to people? Your a nasty bitch!
watt
02 Nov 2011, 19:57
I seen Debbie up close in summer 2011, she looked mesmerizingly youthful & beautiful.
To see her like it was 1978 again was like time stood still for her. After all she is in her 66th year on earth. I was totally in shock.
awtt
02 Nov 2011, 20:50
Oh by the way you talk some crap!
You talk about woman as if they are useless after a certain age. Debbie Harry has so many layers to her than just beauty. It sounds like you have a problem with women in general. Your creepy immature approach to this article makes you come across weird. Have you really ever been on a date with a woman?
What gives you the right to judge someone you obvious Don't really know only by pictures and assume they are worthless because you don't want sex with them. I know boys like you have low self esteem, you seem to make others feel bad in order for you to feel better
I'm a man and I don't like other so called "men" degrading so that they them selves can feel good about themselves. I find it a lack of good moral grounding, good upbringing too, and it is due to a serious lack of respect for the opposite sex. Lets be honest here Debbie Harry would of found you a right turn off in her hey days, never mind now.
Suz
06 Nov 2011, 11:05
This is the most disgusting piece of shit I've ever read. An attention-seeking loser like you, with no literary skills whatsoever, should be imprisoned for spreading this trash. But fortunately it's the internet where you can hide behind a screen, you little coward. Get real.
JStrange - Great Review
06 Dec 2011, 14:34
Well well, look at all the nasty responses to the truth. Those nice liberal fans of hers… I think his review of Debbie Harry in 2011 is spot on. Blondie is out there wearing some horrific white wig, orthopedic shoes, and cutting her heart out in some sicko MOCA performance art - that no one got. She was wearing a skin-tight red dress, Spanxx (working overtime) and that ghastly wig. She looked like a fool and when I saw that, I thought if you would have told me in 1978 as I held my Parallel Lines record, Blondie would be some sadistic, Anti-American, Anti-Life, OWS supporter who went gay - then straight - then claims she's bi - I would have said NO, not my Debbie. Then I met the cow in person, and yes, she was a total bitch. It was in 98' she was amazing in person, but a total bitch of person and a disappointment, they always are!
PoxOnYouMickRock
16 Jan 2012, 03:56
What a nasty review from a never-even-has-been. You are obviously a shallow individual with no appreciation for what was supposed to be a nostalgic event from one of the icons of our time. As if Debbie Harry would even have sniffed you, you pathetic cretin! You should probably stick to reviewing the porno mags, you bottom-feeder!
PoxOnYouChrisNieratko
16 Jan 2012, 04:04
Amendment - apologies to Mick Rock - thought he was the author of this piece of trash-talk, coz of the claim under the photo, but apparently not... the author is chris Nieratko, so I repeat:
What a nasty review from a never-even-has-been. You are obviously a shallow individual with no appreciation for what was supposed to be a nostalgic event from one of the icons of our time. As if Debbie Harry would even have sniffed you, you pathetic cretin! You should probably stick to reviewing the porno mags, you bottom-feeder!
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