Phil Margera Interview
[ photos by kosick ]
 While in Philly we went over to Barn's house to interview Barn's dad, Phil, and to eat some home cooking. Instead, we enjoyed a battle royale between Bam, Phil, Brandon DiCamillo, Rake Yon, and myself, Chris Nieratko.
Bam: Phil, tell the story about Kevin throwing the dude over the fence?
Phil: Kevin's my brother, the crazy one. He's a maniac. He just fights everybody and beats 'em up. He never loses. When he was 15, he stole a go-cart. The owner of the go-cart comes back and says, "Hey, that's my go-cart," and Kevin says, "Well, I'm just using it." And the guy says, "Get off it," and Kevin says, "When I'm done," and the guy chases him. Kevin got off, beat the shit out of the guy, kept driving his go-cart.
Brandon: Well, what other Kevin stories do you have?
Phil: He got court-martialed in the army. He got in a lot of fights, so they took him to Army court and the captain was the prosecutor and he goes, "I heard you beat a man up for calling you a pussy," and Kevin says, "That's right." So the captain gets in his face and says, "Well, I'm calling you a pussy." So Kevin beats the living shit out of him in court and he gets kicked out of the Army. That's the worst one.
That dude must have felt so dumb though, you know?
Brandon: Let's give Rake and Phil a quiz.
True or false: Acme Markets carries
Krispy Kreme Donuts.
Phil: True. I work there.
Brandon: Okay, next question. If the
Fourth of July was on the fourth of
July, who would celebrate it first,
us or New Mexico?
Rake: We would. Because the sun
hits us first.
That's Phil's joke and you suck.
You want to ask the questions, Bam?
No, you do some more true or false.
Brandon: All right. Fine. Let's have a multiple choice. The country formerly knowr as Russia is now also known as: a)
Greece, b) Morocco, c) New York or d) none of the above.
Rake: Brandon's a total fucking idiot.
Why didn't you say "formerly known as
the U.S.S.R.," you moron? You cant
even tell the question.
It's still called Russia, you idiot.
Brandon: Next: Two men have a carpet that they have to clean, but the only problem with the carpet is that it has to be cleaned by 3 o'clock. Who should clean it first?
Phil: Both of them should do it together. Rake: I'm, like, still trying to process the question.
Brandon: Next question: Fish swim in schools. Children attend schools. But who doesn't live in schools?
Rake: The children of the Acoom Bushmen tribe. That's a valid answer to the question.
How come your name is Rake Young, but Art Webb 1986 is your brother? How come his last name is 1986 and your last name is Young?
Rake: 'Cause his hair looks like a fucking moron and Brandon said it looks like 1986.
Brandon: Would you eat shit, Phil?
Phil: I doubt it, but—
Oh, come on. You're so good at that. The only thing there is shit.
Phil: I don't think so.
But, you know how the sun dries it out and it doesn't really smell that much. Would you eat it? You would eat it.
Phil: I wouldn't eat it. You'd eat it before I did. I'd lose weight. I'd last longer than you would 'cause I got more to burn.
When was the last time you did a sit-up?
Phil: I'm not allowed to do sit-ups. I had a hernia. Doctor said no more sit-ups.
When was the last time you did a push-up?
Phil: I do push-ups. I just did one a couple of days ago.
How many?
Phil: Two.
Come on, fat boy. Let me see you do two more.
Phil: No, I gotta do lunch. Gotta save my energy to pick up lunch.
You do two more; I'll do two more.
Phil: No.
Ready? Two push-ups. Come on. You do ten; I'll do two.
Phil: You do ten; I'll do two.
Fine. I'll do ten; you do two.
Nieratko: What does Phil do for a living?
Phil: Work at Acme. I'm the baker. That's why I knew all the donut questions.
Is that why you're fat?
Phil: No, I was fat before that.
When were you skinny?
Phil: Like in 1912.
No, come on, when were you skinny?
Phil: I don't know. About 10 years ago.
No, you were fat at 32. At 28, that's when you started to get fat. What happened? You're eating too much red meat. He says McDonald's isn't red meat. It's just sawdust.
Phil: Sawdust and worms. I guess worms could be considered red meat.
Nieratko: Can you see your pecker, Phil?
Phil: Yeah.
You can't see it.
Phil: You don't know, man. You have no idea.
Brandon: You're just talking shit now. I Just saw from your eye level. Where is it?
Phil: I'm not going to show you.
I don't want to see it. Gay dad.
Brandon: Why don't you tell them the story about Art going in the woods when he was little.
Rake: For some reason, Art had a thing when he was really little, and he was in diapers: whenever he had to go to the bathroom, he'd go under our dinner table and the carpet's like this really horrible green color, and he used to call it "going to the woods". He'd just sit there and hold on to the two posts. If you'd try to go down to talk to him, he'd be like, "No, go away. I'm going to the woods." And that's the only way he'd take a shit. He used to never like to go to the bathroom inside. He always wanted to go to the bathroom outside. You take his diaper off, he's like a little wild man. You take his diaper off and he'd go shit outside. My mom was like "What's that smell in the yard?" and he's like, "Jay just crapped and he stepped in shit." We didn't even have a dog, she had to worry about her own kids.
Let me tell the basement story. I go down to my basement, it's all dark and shit, and I look in the distance. I just see this ass and I go, "What the fuck is that?" I get all close and shit, and it's fucking Raab beating off his baseball glove oil and he turns around and his dick's covered in shellac and I was just like, "What are you doing?" There's nothing sexy about my basement, there's no pictures down there or anything. His sick-ass ass is hanging out and he's like, "Oh, yeah".
Rake: That's linseed oil. That can't be good for you. It's oil for leather.
Brandon: Like what's your dick, leather, Raab?
I got Raab kicked out of school because he shit on a locker. He got sent to that bad kid school.
Rake: How the hell did you shit in a locker? How did you get your ass in there?
He shit in a cup and then he splashed it all over the locker. How bummed would you be if that was your locker? "Oh, I'm just gonna put my book away. What the fuck?"
Nieratko: Has Bam ever walked in on you and your wife having sex?
Phil: No.
Brandon: What about you? Did you ever walk in when your dad was just railing your mom doggy-style?
Rake: Hell no!
How about when Mom walked in on me and I was getting blown and I was on the phone with Rob Erikson? That faggot. I was all business and stuff, so my mom just figured it was cool and my girlfriend was blowing me.
Nieratko: Hey Phil, when Bam gets hurt skateboarding does he still come home and put his head on your belly and cry?
Phil: A lot.
Yeah, right. I don't want any part of that fat gut.
Phil: After he comes back from a long trip he tries to sleep with me and his mom.
Brandon: Define "sleep with".
Phil: Just cuddle.
Oh, man. You got to calm the fuck down.
Comments
christofer
11 Mar 2007, 16:20
HAHAHAHA
hard charger
20 May 2007, 04:20
man, this is a rare interview!
mig
28 Jan 2008, 15:43
I fucking lol'd hard xD
phil seems to be the best dad ever ^^
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