Patrick Melcher Interview - chrisnieratko.com

Patrick Melcher Interview

So, are you really a baby about being called Pat Instead of Patrick?

Yes. I prefer Patrick. It's my name. I'm not a baby, dude, I don't like that name. It's not my name.

Patrick sounds like a little boy.

That's cool. What's wrong with little boys?

You seem to like little boys, don't you?

Whatever.

I know you like girls that look like little boys.

Yeah. You know a lot of things. There's nothing wrong with that either. But it doesn't mean that I like little boys.

But you like girls that look like little boys?

Yes, I do. I like girls that look like a lot of lot of things.

But you get especially psyched when you meet ones that look like little boys?

Yes, I do.

What's up with that?

It's attractive, man. I like short hair. I like small boobs. I like, I don't know, little girls, dude. I'm not saying I like little girls, I like girls that are—man, everybody has their preferences. I got some preferences.

It seems like your preference is a heartbeat.

No, dude. Girls have to have style. This is going to be all about girls, isn't it?

A lot about girls. Is that all right with you?

What can I do, refuse to answer?

Nothing. One of your friends said that your only redeeming social value is skateboarding.

Really? That's not saying much.

And then I said, "What about all the girls that he boned?" And he said, "I guess there's that."

So that's it? That's all there is to me? No, dude. I'm a fun guy. I'm enjoyable to hang out with, and I hook my friends up.

How?

All kinds of ways, man. I always include them in crap I'm doing. I hook them up with chicks whenever I can, if they're into that, hook 'em up with dudes if they're into that.

You share girls at the same time?

You mean do I do two chicks at once a lot? I've done that once.

I meant the other way.

Oh, no. I've never been in that situation.

Would you share yourself with a girl and Jarret Berry?

No. Well, no, probably not. There's nothing wrong with Jarret or anything. I'm pretty much a one-on-one kind of guy.

I've heard some really good one-on-one stories. Like a Slam City one-on-one.

You heard that one? Okay, so I happen to find a chick that's really hot at Slam City, and she was tall, British, she had that accent, she was hot. I was hanging out with her for most of the day. It was nice, we were holding hands, it was sweet. And then she starts telling me how she's got this roommate that she gets down with, and I'm like, "Oh, so you're into girls?" "Yeah, I'm mostly into girls." Blah, blah, blah, whatever, it gets to the point where she's like, "Well, I'm waiting for my roommate, she's going to come here." And I'm like, cool, these girls are going to hang out and be all over each other while I'm hanging around. But it wasn't like that. It was more like they were both hanging out with me. Like one on each side of me the whole time, but not even looking at each other. So it got to the point where we were sitting in the stands watching this contest, and one was sitting on one side, and the other one was sitting on the other side. And they were both feeling my leg or kissing my neck or whatever. So there was one point where I had like—they were both wearing skirts, and we got pretty friendly sitting there in the bleachers. But not too friendly 'cause there were families and stuff around.

I thought that you went under the bleachers with some chick?

No. But I would. No, I went into a bathroom with a girl.

At Slam City?

Not at the contest, but at a bar, after the contest. This is going to be the worst interview, man.

Well, you seem to meet a lot of chicks, dude. What about that fat chick in Frisco?

She wasn't that fat, man. She had good tattoos.

So, with good tattoos you can look past the ugly?

Yeah. She had style, man. Style goes a long way.

I heard she was like 300 pounds.

No. She wasn't fat. Met her at a bar. Pat Smith dared me to go talk to her, and I'm like, all right. I said one word to her, and she was just like instantly kissing me and stuff, and then, "I'm getting a cab. I'm coming home with you." Okay, I guess. I thought it would be fun.

Then everybody walked in on you?

No. Those guys are hard up for material to jerk off to, man. They're all married, so they don't get to see naked chicks very often, so they wanted to stick around and watch. They tried to make me videotape it and crap. That's kinda scandalous.

But you did it anyway?

I didn't videotape all of the action.

How much of it did you videotape?

Oh. Just the part where she was drunk and rambling, and me spanking her and stuff. I shouldn't be saying this stuff.

What's the story about her chasing Jub?

She was naked, and she really thought Jub was this cute little boy, and he wouldn't leave the room 'cause he just wanted to look at this naked chick. He doesn't look at chicks that often, so finally I'm like, "Just go kiss him or something." And I knew that would get him out of there. So she headed towards him, and he took off down the hall.

Naked?

Yeah. And someone was videotaping it. Ricky Espinoza or something. It was just a scene, man, her chasing him down the—it was a motel too, so it was totally outside, and she was running around naked,screaming.

Were her rolls just fucking bouncing everywhere?

Totally, man, you could hear them smacking against each other.

Was it bad times, 'cause she was so fat you vomited on her? Or was that another girl?

It was a different girl. I was dating this girl, and we were being intimate, and on my bed I had one of those foam egg crates, and the sheets got pulled up away from the bed, and somehow my face was down into the bed, and I was breathing extremely heavily, and a little chunk of foam went into my windpipe, and I started coughing and instantly puked all over this girl's face and everything. She just jumped up and started screaming, and I couldn't do anything but just laugh at her. I felt so bad, I just laughed and laughed and laughed, and I had puke all over me, puke all over her, and it was the funniest thing in the world to me. And she was so pissed, just runs in the bathroom, just furious. Do you know how hard it is to say you're sorry when you're laughing that loud? "I'm sorry, dude."

Did you find yourself wanting to puke on more chicks after that?

No. It was purely accidental.

Were you trying to get that one chick to puke on you when your piercing got stuck?

No. But she almost puked on me. I knew you were going to ask me this. I was going to draw you a little diagram so it would make sense. Okay. My piercing is an ampallang. You know what that is?

No.

It goes through, all the way through. From like one side to the other, so it comes out the other side. Totally through the head.

What the fuck would make you want to do that to your penis?

I had pierced everything on my body, up until that point when I was in high school and stuff, and I just wanted to finish, put closure on that area of my life.

Do you still have it?

No. I took it out. I could tell you tons of gnarly stories involving that thing. Just like I would be dating a girl, and I'd take it out, you know 'cause sometimes girls aren't into the piercings, then I'd put it back in afterwards and not ever clean it or anything and get crusties on it. Doing that often, it didn't become infected, just irritated. I finally took it out because I woke up in the middle of the night one night in such pain, dude. I had an erection, I went to pee, and it was just on fire. I had to take it out.

Did you pee out the sides for a while?

I could make myself do that. Take it out, then pinch the end, little dribbles would come out the sides.

What did it feel like when you first got it?

Oh, dude. It was a sensation that I have never experienced since. You can't even call it pain 'cause it's beyond. It's like every single pore on your body is on fire, inflamed, like awakened. You can't imagine it, dude. I got my tongue pierced several times and everything else pierced, and I thought I was tough, whatever, it's just another piece of skin. It ain't no piece of skin, man. It's an organ. It went through the urethra and everything and out the other side.

Oh, my God. Were you screaming?

Yeah. Like every muscle in my body tensed up, and I couldn't breathe for like 45 seconds. It lasted for a long time too.

Was there blood shooting out your dick?

Yeah. I had to wrap it up in toilet paper and put a rubber band on it. Took it home. And I was riding a scooter too, so every time I hit a bump, it would be like, boom!

Knowing that sensation, do you kind of laugh at sacking yourself on rails now?

Yeah. 'Cause that's pain, but it's not pain in the sense that I've been familiar with it. It's realistic pain. Like getting bashed in the shin or whatever, breaking your fingers and all that crap. That's regular pain, that's normal people pain. Once you start experimenting with how much pain exists in the world, then you can skate better.

You worked in the gay video store?

Well, I went and applied for a job at a video store, a regular, straight-up video store, and they told me, "Yeah, we're fully staffed here, but we have this other annex where you could work," and I'm like, "Cool, man," 'cause I was hard up for work. Jobs were kinda scarce. So I show up for my first day at work, go in, porn everywhere. They told me, "We have some adult films. I hope you're not bothered by that?" I'm like, "Whatever. I need a job." And it was in boy's town, which is in this part of Chicago that's all boys, so to speak. So it was mainly all-male porn. There was some straight stuff too, but the bulk of the clientele was male. So I worked there. I didn't mind. I worked there for ten months, and it seriously got really tiresome.

What were some of the good titles that you remember?

Oh, jeez. That shit, I blanked all that out from my memory. They'd make these spoof titles like— dude, I can't even remember any of them, but, dude, the transvestite videos were the ones that just freaked me out so bad and the guys that would come in and get those. And they never get erections, you notice that?

No. I never watch 'em.

You look at the covers though. It's always these chicks with big, fake boobs, and then they've got limp dicks. It's gross. Some guys are into it.

Any weird situations while you worked there?

Not really, most of the guys that came in were like closet homos. They would look at their shoes the whole time, not even look you in the eye. I'd be like, "Thanks. Have a nice day. Have fun!" We'd say some fucked-up shit. There were dudes who would rent six videos a day. We had a limit of seven. They'd rent seven videos a day, every single fucking day. You can go back and trace their histories of how much money they've spent that year. Guys would spend thousands and thousands of dollars just renting. Like, why don't you fucking buy one porn and watch it a few times? Renting porn is expensive, man. These guys would spend like five, $6,000.

Were you ever propositioned?

No. But I thought for sure I would have been, you know, working at a gay video store.

And looking kinda gay.

I don't look gay.

You're a redhead.

So what? Lots of people are redheads. I thought people would offer me money for sex.

Would you take it?

No I would not.

What if it was a lot of money? Like a million dollars?

Yeah. I'd take a million dollars.

You'd take a million dollars for gay sex?

Fuck, yeah. Anybody who wouldn't is a fool.

I guess I'm a fool then.

You wouldn't take a million dollars for sex? A million fucking dollars to blow a guy?

I wouldn't do it.

You wouldn't?

No.

You're a fool, man. Do you know how much that is?

We're not just talking about blowing. For a million dollars I'm sure they'd want the full service.

How long does it take, you know? Fifteen minutes? I'd give an hour, dude. For a million dollars I'd do a lot.

It sounds like it, God.

What I'm not incriminating myself here. I'm being a smart businessman. I'm not saying I'd like it or anything. I'd just close my eyes and bear it for a little while and then collect. People have done stupider shit.

Yeah. But that's rough, dude.

What? It's not rough.

What's not rough about it? You're fucking renting your asshole out for an hour.

Yeah, to become a millionaire.

Did Jarret [Berry] ever come into the store to rent videos?

No. He lives out in the suburbs a little bit, so, no.

Are you more or less of a drunk than a stereotypical Irishman?

A drunk? No.

Have you ever tasted alcohol in your life?

No. But I don't want to make that an issue in this article.

You'd prefer to talk about—

Okay, we can talk about that. I just don't want people thinking I'm straight edge and shit. That's not me. I'm all about having fun and stuff. I'm just cautious about the way I am, I like to keep my wits about me. I'm a pretty cautious person.

Have you tried any drugs of any sort?

No. I've never tried any drugs. Never tried a cigarette. Never tasted alcohol. I haven't even taken a Tylenol since I was 11. Nothing. I drink coflee though.

How do you get through high-school without being bombarded by all those things?

I enjoy myself in other ways. I observe people. Dude, I go out to bars all the time and watch people get drunker and drunker, and I enjoy it. It's entertainment. It's like a puppet show to me. Getting through high school, big deal. People offered me pot or whatever, I'm just like, "No. I'm not into it." It's not even an issue with me actually, I don't ever think about it.

Was high school when you had that big, disgusting red afro?

I was right out of high school. It was disgusting too. I'm with you on that. It was very filthy. I had to get rid of it. That's right when Carrot Top started getting big. I was living in San Diego, and there was this beach-type dude, I guess he was a beach bum, but he had the same hairdo as me, but it was like times three. It was extremely huge. He was totally Sideshow Bob. It was giant. Yeah. Same color and everything. He's like what I would be like at his age. He was my grandpa or whatever.

Is that what made you decide to get rid of that?

No. I think my life took a big change when I totally mangled my knee, and I ended up having to have surgery and sit in hospital beds for a while, and I didn't want all that hair. It was kinda gross.

What did you do to your knee?

Tore everything. The usual, ACL, MCL, DCL.

How did you do that?

Skateboarding, dude, skateboarding. It teaches you how to deal with pain. Like a little while ago Salman told me he's not a skateboarder anymore, he's in the field of pain management.

You're playing up this whole Irish thing. You don't even have an accent. You're not even from Ireland.

I never said I was from Ireland. Am I playing it up? I'm just being myself, man.

It seems like you're pushing the leprechaun thing.

Well, my bloodline is Irish. I'm not pushing the leprechaun thing man, people are pushing it on me.

Do you think you're good luck?

No. I don't think I'm good luck. Actually things generally do tend to work out for me. I don't ever have bad luck. But that's just because I have a positive mental outlook on things. I don't get depressed, I don't worry about shit all the time, I just deal with stuff. Enjoy myself. The happier you are with your days, the less bad luck you'll have. Like the other day I got a parking ticket, and I didn't even think about it. Check this out, the other day I went and did this demo-type deal, and I got $100 for it. Then I went to the record store. I come out of the record store, and there's a boot on my car. And there's a guy standing next to my car, and he's like, "Yeah, dude. I had to boot your car, you parked in the wrong lot." And I'm like, "Fuck," you know, like I was a little bummed. Like, "Are you sure, man?" I tried to play it off, I'm like, "Are you sure?" He's like, "It costs a hundred bucks to get it off," I'm like, "A hundred bucks, huh? I just made a hundred bucks about an hour ago. Here you go," I handed it to him to take the boot off, whatever, don't even dwell on it. I just take shit and deal with it, no big deal.

That's a very nice hippie mentality.

Even Steven, man. Did you see that episode of Seinfeld? Throws 20 bucks out the window and then finds 20 bucks in his pocket. Even Steven, that's me. I'm dead serious.

Have you ever farmed for potatoes?

No. I've never farmed for anything. Except hair.

You're going bald though now. Is that why you keep wearing those hats, those stupid, stupid hats?

You said you liked my hats.

When did I say that?

When you called me on the phone, you were like, "I saw your interview. I liked your hats." I'm digging it. I'm into the old-man look.

You know that shit causes your hair to go bald quicker?

What am I going to do? Worry about it? I don't care. We're all going bald someday.

It looks like shit though.

Well, who's gonna know, I got a hat on? And it ain't a big bald spot, man.

It's getting pretty big back there.

No, it isn't. It's just a thinning area.

You're just combing it over.

No I'm not.

You are totally combing it over. Look at that. I can see your scalp. I can totally see your scalp.

So what, dude? I'm at that age where people lose their hair.

People lose their hair at 25?

It's what the Irish call a golden halo.

Is that right?

Yeah. You get a little blond area, and then it starts thinning out. It's good, man, old men. I'm gonna be an attractive old man.

Like your stupid Jedi Knight Bike game?

Now that's stupid? You think everything I do is stupid. I didn't make it up, man. That thing's been around for years, they just asked me to join their club. It's a scooter club. You've heard of scooter clubs, right? Well, there exist scooter clubs in the world. Just like there exist skateboard teams.

Well, what do you do in your scooter club?

I don't know yet. I've only been to a couple of meetings. They just have rallies. Scoot around, get drunk and cause trouble, just like anything.

What happens at a scooter meeting?

Pretty much just make fun of everybody, and these nerds talk about their new scooter parts and stuff. I'm not into that. I don't know what happens at a scooter meeting. It's just a reason for nerds to hang out with each other.

That's so lame.

I think it's cool. I don't care.

Is it true you only have one testicle?

It's a half-truth, so to speak. I've one and a half testicles. I just got a really bad injury, and I exploded my testicle, and it just kind of turned to mush.

Doing what?

Skateboarding. What did you think?

It sounds better when you say specifically what it was.

I was launching over a box, and landed pogo-stick right on my left nut, and it just—oh, man, I just started puking right away. I didn't have health insurance, so I sat on the floor of Jim Gagne's apartment, which, by the way, is disgusting. It's like an oil trap. I think they park their motorbikes or something in there. So I'm lying on the floor for four fucking days puking, hating it, puking blood, peeing blood. It was horrible. I finally made this dude Stevie take me to the hospital. I went in, I couldn't even walk. I was like crawling. I couldn't stand up straight because it tensed up all my organs and shit. My kidneys were bleeding and everything. I just kinda thought it was gonna go away, you know? I have good faith in my body. I won't go to the hospital unless I didn't have to. And I was right too, it was going to heal itself. I shouldn't have gone. So now it's pretty much mush. They told me they wanted to cut it out and put a new one in, and I'm like, "I'm just gonna go home and let it heal itself."

They have replacement testicles?

Yeah. It's like a little saline sac, like boob stuff.

Does that affect you in any way?

I can shoot a lot farther now. I don't know why. It totally works though. I can shoot across the fucking room.

Really? No way. You want to get rid of your other one now?

No. Then I won't be shooting crap.

Did that hurt more or less than when you got the piercing?

Urn, it was less, 'cause the nail spike through my cock was the ultimate height of pain. The testicle thing was not as painful, but it lasted way fucking longer. But I would not want to go through the testicle thing again. I'll probably get my dick pierced again, to remind myself that I don't want to do that anymore.

That's the stupidest thing I've heard.

You're right.

Why are you so abusive to your penis?

I don't know, man, pain wakes you up to...to shit.

So, is there anything else you want to touch on?

Touch on?

Oh, they're the wrong words talking to you.

Whatever. You're making it sound like I fuck all these chicks too. I have girlfriends. I have had a girlfriend before.

Once.

I've had a few, man. I don't just fuck all these chicks. I hang out with girls a lot. Girls are cooler than boys.

Yeah. Fuck yeah.

What's wrong with that?

Nothing at all.

Okay, good. I'm trying to defend myself a little bit.

You wanna say hi to your mom or dad right now?

They're not gonna read this, man.

You wanna just tell me your sponsors, and we can just go home?

You print people's sponsors?

Sometimes. When they've given a good, thorough interview.

Black Label, Revolution wheels, Vans, Speed Metal, Destructo trucks. That's it, man. I don't collect sponsors, not much.

What would you do if you were approached by a hair-dye sponsor?

Turn 'em down. What are they going to do, you know? "Hey, we'll give you free hair dye, give you some money." For what? I'm not dying my hair.

So you'd turn down money to dye your hair, but you'd take it in the ass for money?

Okay. If a hair-dye sponsor was giving me a million dollars I'd dye my motherfucking hair and take it in the ass. I don't give a shit.

Would you dye your hair while taking it in the ass?

For a million dollars, yes.

Comments

andy
07 Aug 2007, 22:44

this guy is biting my style. if he wants to be hard mod he has to take a beating from me first. but he rules except for being a fag about not drinking.