Mika Winkler Interview - chrisnieratko.com

Mika Winkler Interview

How did you get so little?

I was born that way.

You were born that size? Your mom must have died in pregnancy.

She just drank a lot of whiskey when she was having sex. No. I was born regular size. But I just don't grow as fast.

Are you ever going to get tall?

No, I hope not.

Are you stoked on being little?

Of course, I get more attention.

Have you ever considered midget porn?

Hell no. It's dirty. I'm not a dirty girl. I think it's gross. It's not very sexy. They can do whatever they want though, you know?

Do you date midgets or strictly tall folk?

I call them "little people," but I date generally average guys. I dated a 6'2" guy once. It was pretty weird.

Do you ever get piggyback rides from them?

No, I never got piggyback rides, but we sure looked funny holding hands.

Can I give you a piggyback ride?

Sure. Just as long as you don't drop me. Everyone seems to drop me when they pick me up.

Does that make you sad?

Yeah, when I fall on something, it hurts.

Did your mom ever drop you on your head when you were little?

She threw me in the garbage can.

You were the prom mom baby?

No, I'm just kidding, she didn't. My mom never dropped me. My mom taught me how to be smart. I have a good mom.

Have you ever dated a little person?

Never once.

You're racist.

No, I'm not. Actually I had a little boyfriend in junior high, but it was elementary-style shit.

You didn't get to see his little pee pee?

I was afraid of it. I kissed him, that's about it. But I wouldn't consider him a boyfriend.

You're afraid of little pee pees, but you're not afraid of big pee pees?

They're not that scary. Isn't that what all girls like?

But you're a little girl.

That doesn't mean I have little things. I have normal parts. I can have kids, I can have babies. Aren't I supposed to have normal parts when I have babies?

I thought it was tinier in there, not so roomy. It's like a one-bedroom apartment as opposed to a mansion.

No, it's regular. Let's get that straight for everyone.

Do you ride mini skateboards?

Yeah. Super minis.

TechDecks?

Yeah, I tape them to my feet, and that's how I skateboard.

That would be awesome if you used TechDecks.

My feet aren't that small to ride TechDecks. I ride Tech razor scooters to work. Ask me about girl skateboarders.

Why?

Because all of them are burly. The ones that are really super, super good are really burly. They're like tomboys. I think they should get pretty and wear skirts.

Do you skate in skirts?

I did in one shot. But it's kinda bad, because if you fall, you really scrape up your knees.

And you show people your beaver.

Not if you're wearing cute underwear with little hearts on it.

For Halloween this year, would you ride on my back dressed as Yoda?

If you paid me a million dollars.

What if I buy you a six pack?

I don't like beer. Vodka.

What if I buy you a gallon of vodka?

How about you buy me a Ferrari?

I'm not asking you to have sex with a grizzly bear, I'm just saying ride on my back dressed like Yoda.

Well, what are you going to be?

Duh, Luke Skywalker.

You think you can fight me with the light saber?

Luke Skywalker doesn't fight Yoda. They're friends.

Maybe there was like drama between them that nobody knows about.

Whatever. Will you or will you not be my Yoda?

I'll be She-Ra on your back.

She-Ra doesn't ride on Luke Skywalker's back. It doesn't work like that. You have to be Yoda, or you can't play.

I can't play? I kind of wanted to be Dracula for Halloween this year. I'll be R2-D2. I'll do that.

It would be funnier if you were Yoda.

Wouldn't you get tired? You think you're strong enough to carry me all night on your back? How much can you bench press?

I have a two-year-old nephew, and I can give him piggyback rides for hours.

Well, I'm a lot heavier than a two-year-old. Did you see the booty?

No, you're not, he's bigger than you.

Is he a big fat two-year-old?

No. He was taller than you when he was born.

Yeah, right.

You're only six inches tall.

And I ride a TechDeck.

How many batteries do you take?

Five AAs.

Who's cuter, Pancho or Wee Man?

I think they're both cute, but Wee Man's totally cuter. I don't know, I haven't seen too many pictures of Pancho actually.

Pancho has more chiseled features, and he's much more handsome.

Really? He's cute too. They're both good-looking guys. I'm sure they both get lots of ladies.

Would you have sex with them?

Depends on if they treated me right. If they were both gentlemen, maybe on the first date.

Would you have sex with both of them at the same time?

No way, Jose.

Do you think if Pancho stood on Wee Man's shoulders, and you stood on Pancho's shoulders, that yous guys would be taller than three feet?

No, I doubt it. We're pretty short.

Which kind of little are you, you didn't tell me.

What do you mean?

Like midget or dwarf?

Those are just slang terms. Usually "midget" is used for proportionally sized people. We would be like "dwarves" or "little people." It's the torso. Because the torso is average size, and my legs and arms are shorter. They're dwarfed. What nationality do you think I am?

Hawaiian?

Just about though. I'm half-Japanese and half-German.

So you're a total product of World War II?

No. My parents met at a party.

A Nazi party.

No.

You're lucky your dad didn't accidentally drop you out of a plane over Pearl Harbor.

My dad's not Japanese, my mom is.

Is your dad's first name Adolf?

No.

Are you sure your name isn't Mika Hitler?

No, otherwise I'd be born with a little mustache. If I was bom with that little mustache, I'd wear it proud.

If I put a string around your neck and hung you from my rearview mirror, would you smell like suntan lotion?

No, I'd smell like strawberries.

I like strawberries. Rick told me that in some language Mika means "little raccoon."

In Native American. Wise raccoon. Little wise raccoon. But that's not what my parents intended my name to be.

What did they think it meant, "Kill all the Jews"?

They just thought it was cool sounding.

On our editorial board, you're referred to as "the Midget Bitch." How do you feel about that?

I'm going to beat up whoever wrote that.

That would be Dave Carnie.

Yeah? Where is he? When I walked in here, he was like, "You must be the midget."

Did that make you feel little inside?

It did. It made me cry inside. Then I saw you, and you had a smile, and it just brightened my day. Guys are supposed to make girls feel pretty. And then we give you favors in return, like make you feel cool.

And blowjobs.

Only slutty girls. Does Dave get laid that often?

Yeah, he's got a girlfriend. Is a Tootsie Roll to you the size of a foot-long sandwich for me?

Totally. Yeah, and a little Dum Dum, it's like the size of a watermelon to me. It's like a watermelon on a baseball bat. What's it like being tall?

Oh, it's killer, you can see all the way across the parking lot.

Can you? People don't harass you either, huh?

No. Why, do people harass you?

They point and laugh. When they're drunk they do. But then I go up to them, and I find out what they're laughing about, and then they don't know what they're laughing about, and they get embarrassed. They're like, "Oh, ah, my friend just wanted to have sex with you.". Yeah, that's a great pickup line.

Is it convenient being at penis level? Are you able to punch them right in the penis?

I've never had to do that yet. I'm always hoping someone will mug me so I can just kick them square in the nuts really hard.

Are you at penis level, or does the penis actually rest on top of your head?

It depends. Tall guys.

Are you able to drive a car?

I have like my own personal driver. No, I have pedal extensions.

Do you have to sit on phone books?

I've got a normal torso.

Well, you don't have to brag about it. I heard you only know how to do three tricks. Do you think you deserve an interview in a skateboard magazine?

No. This is just luck.

What are your three tricks?

I can rock 'n' roll, and I can drop in, I can jump off ramps.

Rick's teaching you how to launch off ramps, right?

I'm still learning. It was fun. We spent all day doing it, but I learned it.

Did Rick do it?

No. I don't think so. Rick didn't go big because he was the photographer. He can't get hurt on a shoot.

Would you have sex with Rick?

Maybe. If you paid me a million dollars. Maybe if he took me on, like, seven dates, and found out that we had a lot in common our personalities are meshing, then maybe.

Has he tried to put the moves on you while you were skating?

No, Rick's a gentleman. As far as I know.

Do you think he takes your photos home and tosses off to them?

I don't know. He can do whatever he wants with my photos, as long as he doesn't write "bitch" on them.

Had you ever been approached by anybody before to do anything?

I get approached all the time. Around here it's usually acting, like indie films. I get offered a lot of degrading stuff too, but I don't take it. Like circus-freak stuff. Like stuff where they want to make fun of me. I know better than that, so I'm not gonna let them. I'm not gonna take it.

Say you were stranded on a mountain with Shaquille O'Neal and---

Stranded on a mountain or an island?

A mountain. And you had to kill Shaquille O'Neal to survive. How would you kill him?

I'd probably pull down my pants and show him my booty and distract him, and then, when he's looking at my butt, I'll throw a big rock at his head. Because he wouldn't see it coming.

How long do you think you'd be able to survive?

Well, is the mountain full of snow?

Yeah, and there's a refrigerator.

Wow, I could probably live ten months. I could dry the meat too. I can probably live a full year. I could probably survive off of his feet for just a straight, like, five months.

He's got size 27s, I think.

Twenty-sevens. I wear a two and a half. Whoa, he's got a lot of meat. I could live in his shoe.

You could drive his shoe.

That'd be cute.

Do you ever shop for clothes in the Barbie aisle of Toys R Us?

Totally, that's where I got my skirt. I sometimes wear little-kids' clothes, though, in the dress-up section. Like tutu's and magic wands.

How come all the midget towns float, they're never in the same spot, and you can't find them anywhere?

Because we're secretive, we're a clandestine network.

Well, how do you expect to make new friends if you guys are such jerks?

We're not jerks, we're just watchers.

If you're not jerks, then invite us over for a little barbecue?

Well, you never asked to come over for a barbecue. You could come over for tea. We don't eat meat.

You were ready to eat Shaq two minutes ago.

But I'm stranded, and that's all I have to eat. We drink tea, that's all we do. We have tea parties, and we wear Barbie clothes.

Do you have any skateboard sponsors?

I don't have any sponsors. Maybe Tootsie Roll will sponsor me.

What kind of car did you say you drove, one of those Barbie-pink Corvettes?

I drive a Tonka truck. No. I have a molester wagon.

If you could have any one man, who would it be?

I would take Yao [Mei] because he has the same family as me, Asian.

I don't think he's down with the Nazis though.

We're not Nazis.

Oh, my God, that would be amazing if you married Yao Mei.

I don't think I would even reach his ankle. I'd get lost in his shoe heel.

You could use his pee pee as a sliding board.

Slip 'n' slide?

Yeah, you'd have to be careful that he didn't step on you on the way to the bathroom.

I'd have to be careful that he didn't roll over me at night. Because then I'd get stuck in the mattress.

What else should I ask you?

Ask me what I like to do in the summertime.

What do you like to do in the summertime?

I like to sing songs. About love.

Sing me one.

"Somewhere over the rainbow, blue birds fly, there's a land that I heard of, once in a lullaby. Do-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee!" Do you know the rest of the song?

No.

Oh, I guess we could never be in a musical. Well, thanks for taking pictures of me, I feel lucky. Because I can only do a couple tricks, but whenever I can represent for little people, it'll make us feel better about ourselves.

Comments

Alex Szliwoski
12 Mar 2008, 17:07

lol...

2beers
28 Mar 2008, 10:29

she´s hot!!!

umbob
15 May 2008, 15:03

well done for standing up to the interviewer. learn kickflips!

mika
10 Jul 2008, 09:18

Hi Chris! When's our next interview?!! (Dirtier this time!)