Media Tour
[ photos by sean cronan ]
 Our photographer Sean Cronan has been keeping himself real busy lately taking skate trip after skate trip. The only problem is that he forgets to tell us about all these trips he goes on, or maybe we just forget he's going. Whoever is to blame is not important, what is important is that we rally someone to write the damn articles for these trips at the last minute. That person is usually me and it usually happens as a result of someone else's failed attempt at writing the story. In this case it's David Quynh Hoang. Some dude, I'm told, that went on the trip. Who he is or thinks he is or what he does we have no idea and why he tried to write anything at all is beyond me, but he did and it sucked and so here I am writing a tour story about a trip I never knew was happening.
Day 1
I feel distant from all the riders on the tour, is it because I'm not on the tour or because throughout my life I've never felt close to many people, except for plumbers, and only because we both walk around showing our ass crack? But from the moment I didn't get in the van with the Media team -- which consisted of Gary Smith, Tommy Budjanec, Dave Duren, Eric Anthony, Jake Stewart, Jonas Wray and Sean Cronan -- I knew that over the next eight days I would never really get to know these fellas while driving around northern California, at least not in the way that I would if I were really on the tour. But I wasn't going to let that bring anyone down. I'm not that kind of guy. I keep it real. So when I woke up and went to work that first day, I acted cool like nothing was going on. No one in the office even knew I was supposed to be on a skate trip with Media. To them I was regular old Chris, and that's just how I wanted it. I don't need people looking at me like I'm looking out the window with a van full of dudes on my way to Santa Barbara. That's none of their business and it's not really my place to bother people with my problems. I just played it cool. All my emails, faxes and packages were sent out on time, as usual, but all the while I was headed for Santa Barbara where we picked up Jonas.
 Day 2
After a wild night of sitting on my couch playing Dreamcast and drinking beer. I was in no mood to go do a demo in some mall somewhere in hundred-degree heat. So i didn't. Instead I got out ot bed and made coffee and five hard-boiled eggs. And I ate them. Then I took a long shower It was the best. So awesome! There's nothing better than sleeping in your own bed and showering in your own tub when you're on tour hundreds of miles from home. And boy did I need a shower. I hadn't showered in days and I was stinking to high Heaven. I bet if I was in the van all the Media guys would be bummed out. I wonder if they would tell me that I stunk or if they would be pussies and just deai with it. If they didn't say anything I'd probably not shower, just because I could get away with it, but if they yelled at me I think I'd probably still not shower just to piss everyone of. Who knows? I guess I'd just have to be there and make that decision on my own. Good thing it never came to that. Instead, I just went to work. It's been so long since this all happened I have trouble remembering all the details, but if you must know I probably ate at Carrera's Italian restaurant on La Cienega. I eat there nearly everyday. It's right across the street. I'm sure everyone else on my trip ate McDonald's, but I'm not really sure of that either.
Day 3
The best day of the trip. So much shit went down, dude, it gets me psyched just thinking about it. If you were there you would have passed out because awesome shit was happening everywhere all day. I'm talking from morning until we passed out It was just too hectic. Man. what an awesome day! And as much as I hate to admit it there will never be another day three like this on this trip again, ever!
Day 4
It was so hard waking up from day three that I didn't even think there was gonna be a day four. I was like "F' this day! I'm not even gonna write about day four. That shit sucked!" Like what a way to follow up such a great day. you know? Like we had the best day three but day four was just the worst. It's just one of those days that you never want to think about again. I'm not even kidding. You know how it is, when you have a day so good you just know no other day will compare to it and you're just bummed that you're still alive because, shit, wouldn't it just be great to have the best day ever and then die in your sleep that night? I think that the next time I have a really great day I'm gonna go home and take a bath with my toaster.
 Day 5
One of the things David Quynh Hoang wrote that I thought you would like to know about is the further adventures of Frank Gerwer. I'll let him tell it since he was actually there. "So we're in San Francisco trying to find a damn parking spot. We drive down some street and we hear some guy yelling, 'Park!' It's fucking Frank Gerwer in a bright blue windbreaker posing as some valet parker. He recognizes Jonas, runs up and wonders if we need a parking spot. So we get out of the car and Frank jumps in. He peels out in reverse in Jonas' car and parks it in some alley that he hangs out in. He does the same thing to the 'burban, except he backs it up going 40 next to a wall that is maybe a few inches away. So we hang out and kick it with him for a while to watch him in action. A few minutes later, a guy with two ladies drives by in one of those new Camaros looking around for a parking spot. Frank gives them a couple of hollers, 'Park! Park!' The guy nods to Frank and everyone in the car gets out. So at first we didn't think too much about Frank peeling out in our cars because we all knew each other. But to everyone's surprise, he does it to every car that he parks. After taking the guy's ten bucks, he makes the tires spin, flips a bitch and parks it in the loading zone five feet away from the guy. While the guy is in shock he catches the keys that Frank throws back to him. Gerwer tells him to relax and that he will look after the car for him. The guy and his ladies shake their heads, bummed on what they just witnessed, and go into some restaurant to catch some dinner. So, realizing that Frank is the man, Jake asks him if there was any way to hook up some smoke. He takes out his skateboard, told us he'll be right back and proceeded to skate down the street. Meanwhile, two couples are walking around looking tor then cars that Frank had parked. We told them, 'Sorry, but the valet dude is out looking for weed for us.' Frank comes back fifteen minutes later saying the herb will arrive later in the evening. Another dude comes out of a store, holding something that looks like a ticket stub, asking, 'Do you have my keys?' Frank replies, 'No. do you?' wondering where, or who, gave him the ticket stub. They end up finding the dude's car, unlocked, with the keys in the ignition. The whole situation was fucking great! Frank Gerwer working some alley that doesn't even belong to him, hustling parking spots. That's the shit."
Day 6
This was like our chill day. Nothing crazy really went down. Sometimes you need days like that, to balance out your life. It's the truth, as much as you hate to admit it. When things get wild, wild things happen. That's why you need to take those lazy days to chill and get to know your inner-self. I'm not saying hug a tree or try to suck your own penis, I'm just saying take some quiet time, alone, and paint a picture that says, "Everyting is Marshmallows." And there's lots of ways to say that without ever having to draw one marshmallow tree. No, you can paint a picture of a swan eating a shoe while a nice airplane dances with a unicorn to the sweet sounds of rap music. And don't forget to paint a bright big, happy, warm, yummy sun so all the animals and berries can be warm. Paint me that picture. And I'm sure when you are finished, anyone that looks at it will say, "Mmmm, marshmallows."
 Day 7
The tour is coming to an end. Only one day left and I feel as if we haven't even left yet. It's weird how time flies when you're not on a bus full of dudes doing skateboard demos and rocking out to whatever kick-ass, awesome, great, dope, funky, rock and roll music comes across the airwaves. Isn't it weird? Well, isn't it? Say yes! I know you can talk! Say it! So what if you feel stupid talking to a magazine! Say yes!
Day 8
Today was the last day of the tour and it didn't come one second too soon. Not that I didn't have a good time on the trip that I didn't go on and not that all the guys weren't great and nice and should be actors or models or canoe racers, it's not that at all. The bottom line is life is short and stout and hard to knock over without a brick and even then you're like, "What the hell's the matter with this life? Why won't it just stop fighting and die?" So, please, take some time to reflect on some of the things I've said here today and remember you can make a difference as long as you keep believing.
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