One thing I’ve been rather curious about lately is how much exactly is it to buy a kid from some third world country. I’ve heard anywhere from $40,000 to $80,000. And if those numbers are correct, how do I go about brokering a deal for one of these sought-after poor kids? How do my wife and I become the next Madonna or Bradgelina? We have been trying the old fashioned way of making babies for nearly a year now and I’m actually getting quite tired of the whole process. We have sex two sometimes three times a day and I can’t take it anymore. You’d think it would be a fun thing but I’m getting old. My back is shot. Sometimes my legs go numb. I’m a horse ready for the glue factory not the stud I was six or eight months ago. And I’m a bit concerned there isn’t going to be anything left of her vagina for later in life. We recently went to Hawaii with the intention of humping our brains out until a baby popped out of my wife’s pants. Well, we did the humping and nothing fell from between her legs but blood. From me stabbing her with a kitchen knife in her pussy, over and over and over again. I’m just kidding. Christ. Calm down. I mean from her monthly blood sport. It’s to the point where I’m ready to call in back up troops and have someone else knock her up because obviously I don’t have what it takes. Which is strange because in my teenage years and my twenties I got numerous women pregnant with ease and now when I want to actually make a baby and keep it, I can’t do it. Or maybe it’s her. Maybe her eggs have all been cracked and scrambled. Maybe she has stood in front of the microwave one too many times? Or maybe this is how God is punishing her for not giving me what I’ve wanted all these years? Or maybe she was abducted by aliens when she was a child and they impregnated her and removed the child so many times that her uterus is nothing but scar tissue, unable to produce anymore? Or maybe, maybe she has gotten pregnant every time I’ve inseminated her and gotten an abortion each time in hopes of breaking any existing Guinness Record for most abortions done in one year? That would be something. I’ve always, secretly, wanted to make it into the Guinness Book but I never really had any talents that warranted me notifying the record keepers. I don’t really think “Most Years Without Having Had Gay Sex” or “Longest Writing Career Writing Exclusively About Yourself” are actual records. So, I guess, there’s worse things to be in the record books for than “Most Abortions In A Year”, Shit, I could not be in at all or worse yet be in it for “World’s Smallest Penis” or “Baldest Dude Ever,” you know?
Addidas Tim O'Connor Roast Hosted by Chris Nieratko