I have a huge mirror in my bedroom. Enormous. Five feet tall by seven feet wide. I bought it off eBay for $100, installed. Our joke that we tell people when giving the tour of the house is we got it, “to make the room look bigger.” We also have rather large mirrors in our kitchen, bathroom, dining room, stairwell and laundry room. I like mirrors. I enjoy looking at my handsome face. Sometimes I ask the face if it has ever considered acting or modeling. The face just smiles and blushes. My wife is not bad looking by any means but the mirrors are mine. They are for my enjoyment. It sounds quite self-absorbed, doesn’t it? I agree with you but I can live with that. The funny thing is that for all my mirrors and all my flirty glances that I throw my way throughout the course of the day, this website feels like the most egocentric thing I’ve ever done. Far more silly and self-centered than a house of mirrors or using the pronoun “I” 75 times in a 400-word paragraph. It seems rather pathetic to me; a cry for attention. Look at the damn URL for God’s sake: Chrisnieratko.com. How unimaginative! Perhaps if this site and my book make any money I can finally get those bottom two ribs removed so I can get over the hump and manage to finally get it all the way in my mouth.
In the meantime I’ll try to not waste your time with fluff or meaningless blogs about what I bought at the supermarket or how “mean people suck.” I don’t know if and when I personally plan on updating this or with what but it will be updated. My publisher made me sign a contract to do so semi-regularly. Also, my web Dungeon Master, Ed, from Canada, has been very good about informing me that somehow, while incoherent for the past decade, I’ve amassed a rather large body of work consisting of everything under the sun from Disney comics to band interviews, to DVD and CD reviews to recipes and greeting cards. For the most part I don’t remember writing much of the stuff he’s brought to my attention, but it all has my name on it so I must have. And he’s been good enough to scan it all in page by page and post it here for your pleasure. But he’s Canadian, thus he’s slow and so he’ll be adding that archived stuff to the site little by little. So keep checking back or you’ll make Ed cry.
So yesterday I was working in my skateshop [NJSkateshop.com] and this girl came in that I haven’t seen in ten years. I barely recognized her. She asked how I’d been and I said, “Fine.” I told her I got married in July and that I’d begin working towards knocking my wife up in the spring. She smiled and wished me luck then said, “I got married too. Moved to South Carolina for a year and now I’m getting divorced.” Ouch. “I’m sorry to hear that.” I didn’t know what to say. I never know what to say because everything I say is the wrong thing. Always. Even if it has the best intention. Like when my friend had a miscarriage because her baby stopped growing and I told her, “You didn’t want that baby anyway. That was a lazy kid. It was too lazy to even grow on it’s own. You deserve a hard-working, growing baby.” She cried. But I think she knew I was right. With this divorced girl I tried to make a joke and said, “Well, at least you didn’t get a text message telling you about the divorce like Britney did to K-Fed.” She shot me a frigid look and locked on. I watched a tear form in her duct and then roll down her cheek. She nodded and said, “Yes, I did.” Her lip began to quiver. I apologized again. She ran out the door crying.
Like Snoop Dogg, “This kind of shit happens every day.” So as long as it does I’ll make it a point to relay it to you in an attempt to brighten your day with my misadventures.
Hope you enjoy.
Heart,
Nieratko
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