Gwar Interview
 The other day I read an interview with some artist in some magazine somewhere, that was nothing more than a bunch of ranting and raving by some asshole writer with all of two or three quotes from the artist, like some goddamn high school term paper. And from that interview I realized I don't give a shit about what some asshole who lives his life vicariously through the internet has to say about anything, and in turn that none of you readers give a fuck about what I have to say about anything. It's like listening to a fat ass sportscaster, who couldn't dunk a basketball if he had a 12 foot ladder, foam at the mouth about how a player should have tried a little harder. No one cares. So I won't waste your time with what I think or how I feel about the following band, which happens to be Gwar. If you know Gwar, you know what they're like, if you don't you're in for a treat. So instead of wasting your time I'll just say, this is the Gwar interview. I hope you enjoy it... or die.
So what's going on Mr. Oderus?
I'm chilling. Just got back from the golf course. Yeah, Oderus was out on the links today. Whatever. My scores were fucking shit. Like 101, 102.
Is that good or bad?
It's alright. Most people can't break a hundred, so, It's ok. I had some duff chips and some shitty putts. I had like five really crummy shots in there that I could have done without, but I had some nice ones too, so I guess it wasn't a bad day overall. And it's just nice to get out there. Oh, man. Such sweet courses down here. it's all a bunch of rich people living down here [Richmond, VA], they have to have their golf. But I enjoy playing with all of them with my costume on. They get all freaked out. They see the swords, the tattoos, the big cuttlefish of Cathulu hanging and they get sick. But even without the costume on, they bug out pretty hard. Anyway, what's up? What kind of interview is this going to be? Do you want the out of character / behind the scenes, or do you want Oderus who is just going to yell at you a bunch, or do you want kind of in the middle thing?
I'm thinking maybe we go with a lighthearted middle ground discussing the overall cuteness of Easter and how great the Easter bunny and spring dresses are.
Ugh! God! The most useless fucking holiday on the face of the planet! You're not serious. Ok, they celebrate the day Christ is born and they celebrate the day he comes back from the dead, I celebrate the day he died. Excuse me, fart. That's my day to celebrate. Friday is a big one for me. Well, any day is a good day for a crucifixion in my book. Line the road with corpses, that's what I say. Line the road with crucifixes, with corpses a-swingin'.
 Word. So what do you do for Easter, anything special?
No, I don't. I watch the Masters Tournament. I ignore the holiday totally. People don't care about Easter. What are you asking me? People don't care about religion. People don't care about God. That's just a bunch of bullshit. How many friends do you know that do anything for Easter? Do you know anyone that went to Easter egg roll off on the White House lawn? I don't think so. Do any of your friends have an Easter party?
Actually...
No! No one does! No one celebrates Easter!
What I was going to say is that my friend did have an Easter party. We all just went over to her house and watched this midget porno called Somewhere Under the Rainbow with a hermaphrodite midget and we ate those little hot-dogs, what are they called? Cocktail Wieners.
What? Shut the fuck up! No one Celebrates Easter. All the other holidays have some kind of ritual associated with them. Christmas, we have the stupid tree and we give each other tons of... uh, food, we drink like fish and eat like pigs and we give all these dumb presents away. Halloween, you kids dress up in your stupid costumes, run up and down the street almost getting hit by cars and people give you shit. What do you do on Easter?
We trade eggs.
Trade eggs?!?! You can trade eggs every day. My neighbor just came by and borrowed some eggs.
We get candy.
You get candy for every fucking holiday.
We fuck rabbits.
Fucking rabbits? Hmmm. That's good. We like that. If there was something like that, where they made it a little more over the top, where rabbit fucking was encouraged. I don't know, giving eggs is cool, but I think on Easter you should be able to give eggs to any woman you want to have sex with. That's what I think. On Easter, as a symbolic gesture towards the rebirth of Christ, I think you should be able to fuck whoever you want.
We should write a pamphlet or something.
This interview could be the first installation of that campaign. The first step forward. And it could work both ways as well, I'm not just saying just guys, just girls. It can't be just guys fucking. The girls have to be able to get their way as well. Maybe we can split the weekend up into two days. Saturday the guys hump anything they want, Sunday the women, well they probably have to rest, but if they're not too tired, they should have the same opportunity to fuck whoever they want.
But why limit it to male / female intercourse? To keep the real spirit of Easter we should incorporate rabbits and farm animals and those crazy Canadian flying squirrels. Aren't those things great?
Yeah, they really are and I think you're right. Of course, there's no reason to bar inter-species romping. We'll make it a goddamn free-for-all. Get it all in there. Goats, bunnies, old people, children, babies, A sexual holiday. That's what I'm declaring Easter as from now on.
You're from Virginia, so you should know about this. Where can you get one of those pornos where, the dudes fuck all the chickens and the cows and shit?
Know about it? I've been in a few of them. My preference has got to be a pig. It has a fantastic little corkscrew penis. Yeah. And you wouldn't believe how much cum comes out of these things. You could spackle your whole house with it there's so much. No, but the baby pig's penis really is shaped like a corkscrew, it's disgusting and it cums like a garden hose.
 A friend of mine was telling me about one where this dude was fucking a chicken until it was dead, then just threw it on the ground, grabbed another chicken and started fucking again.
Oh, yeah. Uh huh. Sure. That's really commonplace down here. In Virginia. You know, that's where we hang out when we're not in Antarctica smoking crack. Which is very similar to Antarctica. People have the same prevalence as cheap guns and readily available crack cocaine. You just can't get that in Antarctica.
You can get it in Houston, though.
Houston? You can get anything in Houston. They love the crack cocaine down there. You can get yourself shot down in Houston. That's pretty easy to do in Houston. Crack... that's just the most worthless drug in the entire world. I've never done a hit of any drug before that just made you feel bad, like shit, it makes you feel like the scum of the earth for smoking it, it makes you feel like you're about to have a heart attack, it makes you feel like total shit and then the only thing to do to get over the feeling, is to go buy more. What is up with that?
What really hurts is that it's treated like the black sheep drug. It's not remotely socially acceptable. Even heroin, a dirty, dirty drug is more accepted. But crach is blackballed. And that makes it really hard for a user to feel like a decent person, he had no circle of friends to talk to.
Well, uh, I don't know. There's such an association of mindless violence that goes with it, you know and as far as my real life, outside of my Oderus costume, I have no time for it at all. But as far as Oderus Urungus is concerned... crack is the greatest thing to hit the planet.
Where does Oderus cop his crack at anyway?
Oh, well, Sleazy delivers it in a dump truck down to the Antarctic stronghold. He just dumps it out on the front porch and I just fall into it. I don't even smoke it, I eat it. I eat crack for breakfast. I eat huge crack boulders.
Whatever happened to Sleazy? We haven't seen much of him lately.
Sleazy... well, he found religion. And he bailed on us. I'm totally serious, too. I think he got real deep into God and Christianity because he wanted to get married to this real hot chick and that was one of the requirements or something. Yeah, Don was the artist who played Sleazy and he pretty much just bailed on us. He comes over here every now and then, but we get this attitude from him like, "I should be rich by now, how come I'm not? It's all your fault". He's one of the older guys in the group, he's been doing it for years and he's really burnt out on it and feels that he hasn't gotten too far with it. So, I'm just gonna give everyone some time off for awhile and then I'll blow the horn of war again in a few months and hopefully everyone will hark to the call. But we're kinda in a mess right now. We're like, "What do we do without our manager? What do we do without Sleazy?" So we've been talking about replacing his character with a new character, Black Sleazy. Black Sleazy, Sleazy's Black brother. Basically, he'd wear rocket sneakers and blast on and off the stage. And Gwar would be like, "Black Sleazy, where's our money? Where's our contracts? Where's our crack?" And he would just say, "Word!." And his big line is "I gotta get paid." And then he'd blast off. We were all tweaking out on crank one night on our way down to Atlanta and we all just thought that was the funniest thing in the world. There's another Sleazy P. Martini character, Jacko P. Martini, Sleazy's Russian brother. He's a member of the Russian mafia and these guys are all jockeying for position in the Gwar hierarchy.
What's the worst publication that you ever appeared in?
God, there's been so many. Let me think. I don't know. But it was pretty bad. Pretty gay. The photos were all these shitty live shots and they were printed awful. That magazine was pretty gay. But don't get me wrong, I'm totally into gay skateboarding magazines, I feel there should be more, that one in particular just sucked. I can't even think of the name of it. It's been too long that they gay skateboarder has gone without an outlet. You know, so many skateboarders are so macho, they're like really cool and they don't say anything about it, but in actuality a bunch of their friends are really gay and they don't even know it and these guys, these gay skaters, they need a forum where they can express themselves. So I'm advocating gay skateboard publications. Somebody out there, please, start a gay skateboarding magazine. You know if I had it my way, I'd get rid of the word gay, it would be sorta omni-sensual attitude. Anyone can fuck anything and any farm animal that they want while doing any drug that they like and nobody gives a damn. And it's free. That's my philosophy.
You should run for mayor of San Francisco.
I would, but do you have to be born in the country to do that? I think that's bullshit that to be president you have to be born in the United States. What if you're an ambassador's son and your mom happens to be in Africa for the weekend and she has a premature birth? What if you lived in the United States your whole life, but your mom just happened to have you in Puerto Rico? Maybe she was down there having sex with Frank Sinatra for the weekend, do you
think that's fair?
No, but there are ways around that. Throw down a coup, rush the White House and take over and declare yourself President.
You can do that, but there's just so many hot chicks over there, how much work do you think you'd actually get done?
I hear you. Dude, if I was alone with Chelsea Clinton, fuck, she'd have the loosest caboose in D.C.
Oh yeah, she's growing some titties these days.
Not to mention I think she got those braces off...
I know, I know. Oooh, she has those bad ass D.S.L's.
D.S.L.'s?
Dick sucking lips. She's got 'em going on in a big way.
Must make her father a very happy man.
Yeah, I wonder what they got going on? Keep it in the family. That's what Hilary's about as well. She's doing the whole fucking crew. Eating out Chelsea, bobbing Bill and you can just imagine what she does with the dogs. She's like the Heidi Fleiss of Washington. She's setting it all up and making all the money.
 What's up with the Gore daughters? Are they legal tender yet?
Oh, I don't know. I don't think Tipper is letting them out of the house. Are they even old enough to go out of the house? Can they even walk? I don't know. I didn't even know they allowed her to breed. Fuck her anyway. God, just thinking about those people having sex just turns my stomach. And Monica Lewinski come on! If Bill Clinton was fucking around, if you're the president of the fucking United States of America, most powerful man on earth, that's the best you can do? That woman had an ass like the new Volkswagen Bug, that thing was gigantic. That's crack, right there. Bill must have been on crack. D.C. is a big crack town anyway. Marion Barry... a real role model. That's the greatest. "What qualifications do you have to be mayor?" ... "Well, I smoke crack." ... "You got the job." He is the crack smoking mayor of the most fucked up city in the entire world. This is the capital of our country. If there is any city in the United States that should have it's shit together, it should be the capital of the land. Instead, you have the most fucked up murder rate, the whole city is going to hell, the schools couldn't open on time this year because the roofs were collapsing, and the city morgue was so overstocked with bodies last year that they were just dumping them out in the hall, the whole place smelled like a fucking charnel house. Oderus says, once again, cool. Fuck yeah.
You hear the story that the Mexican comedian that looks like Jay Leno, a little bit older? Ricky Ricardo or someone. Anyway he was on Stern and he was saying how he was backstage when he was filming Car Wash, I think it was, and he's sniffing coke with this black dude and later finds out it was Marion Barry.
Well, cocaine will make strange bedfellows. You never know who you'll end up with. You may be all secretive about doing your coke, you might be all secretive about going and buying your coke, but when that coke is on the table and it comes time to do it, you don't give a fuck about who's in the room you just wanna get some. You can sneak around all day, but when you got a line on the table who knows, you might end up there with the president or the mayor or the pope.
Since golf is such a boring game, do you ever pull lines before playing to get amped?
Well, my golf cart is a Sherman Tank. And the only reason I go out there is to kill old people. I don't even hit a ball. On a good day, I can run down two, three hundred old people. It depends. I like to kill old people because they're really helpless. They don't fight back and I just hate them, they have too much money. All these old people, whose lives are basically over, they had all their fun, they shot all their loads and they're out there riding around in customized Cadillac golf carts with full wet bars in the back, shooting in the low 200's and I look down the street and there's all these hot chicks who need to have money so they can afford to have nonstop 24 / 7 whoring crack-houses. I'm just saying all the old people have the money and all the young hot chicks and all my friends with skateboards, they have no money. So I like to go play golf so I can beat up old people and steal all their money.
Have you ever been inclined to hook up with an old lady, take her home, fuck her to death and inherit all her money?
Ugh. I hate fucking old people. It's all dusty inside. The oldest woman I ever had sex with was... she was like 49, 50. And I was snowed in at Newark airport in Jersey, and I was snowed in and there was this old withered bitch who was just sitting with me. And I was so fucking bored and I'd been in the cocktail lounge all night, so drunk, and they're like, "You're snowed in, you're not going anywhere until tomorrow." They gave us hotel vouchers and, what can I say? I fucked a 49-year-old woman.
How was she? Good?
Oh, she was fucking great. Of course she was. She was thankful. She was like, "Oh, my god. This young stud wants to ball me. This is cool." She was wrinkled like a handbag that was left in the sun, but I fucked her anyway. I felt so bad after I did it, too. I waited until she fell asleep and I snuck out and went back to the airport and drank. That's why you gotta hook up with the older ladies. The booming grannies. Like 70, 80. They'll shoot up some Ritalin and you can't control them, they're like dogs in heat. And they pay well, too. That's what I heard. They see the days are going by, getting slimmer, just slipping by. I feel the same way, you know. The older you get the more poon tang you gotta go after. You take shit for granted when you're young. You take it for granted fucking all those little 16-year-old bitches behind the skate park.
What do you drink? Mad dog? Crazy Horse?
Cisco. It's the only way to go.
Cisco. Liquid AIDS.
You can get AIDS from drinking Cisco?
That shit is like crack whore's breast milk.
Oh my god. Where are you calling from today?
Fucking Jersey!
I love Jersey. What part of town are you in?
Slayerville, NJ. Home of Bon Jovi, Slayer, Warrant, Skid Row and a slew of other cock-rocking greats.
Whoa. It's the Blue Devils. What's up with the Blue Devil?
What the fuck is the Blue Devil?
The New Jersey Blue Devils. The hockey team.
Oh, they're just the Jersey Devils. They're named after the legend of the Jersey Devil. He lives in the Pine Barons. Supposedly his mom was fucked by a satanic goat or something and she gave birth to this horned child and he just roams around the Jersey Pine Barons slaying campers like Jason Vorhees.
And when was the last time he killed someone?
They usually don't announce that shit in the press or anything like that, but my friends that live in the area tell me bodies surface every couple of weeks with their larynxes ripped out. The summer is a big season for him.
Oh God. Sounds cool. I'd like to hang out with that guy. I think he's come to a few Gwar shows. I'm surprised the hockey team doesn't hire him, as the mascot. But you know all the Christians would freak out.
Perhaps we should change the team name to the Jersey Smoke Stacks.
Or the Jersey Exits.
Or the Jersey Highway Barriers.
Roy Rogers. That's what I think about when I go to Jersey. Yeah, that's the only fucking thing you can eat if you're on the turnpike.
What are you saying? Every rest stop is equipped with a Bob's Big Boy. All you can eat for $2.50.
NO! Really? God, I wanna go right now. I'm on the road. I'm there. That's hot.
Have you considered ever doing Gwar action figures?
Yeah, we did and then we decided against it because we did too many bong hits that day. We actually talked to a lot of different toy manufacturers and we always express our insistence that every Oderus doll has got a full size cuttlefish of Cathulu squirting penis erection feature. And we really haven't had any takers yet. A lot of things like that you'd think Gwar would be a natural for, but we're not because of the unreasonable and sometimes totally idiotic demands we make of these people.
Have you ever talked to the people at McFarlane Toys, they make some bad ass stuff.
Oh, yeah. Hell yeah. I beat the fuck out of Spawn at last year's Dragon Con in Atlanta. His costume was so cheesy. But we do Dragon Con every year. We walk around in our costumes and a bunch of geeks take photos of us and then we run into the X-Men and then we fight them for awhile and then we go back to our hotel rooms and fuck these Dungeons & Dragons bitches. They're usually dressed like elves or magicians. They're almost as grateful as the old timers. They don't get out very much, they're very pale skinned. But they're great in bed. You can really find some good ones. Dragon Con isn't the geek-fest that you'd think it is, it's actually pretty cool. We usually have a really good time. We'll be down there this year playing with the Misfits. It should be alright.
I was down there once like five years ago and they had this crazy talent show and one of the acts was four dudes dressed as Klingons with Kiss face makeup on singing, not lip-synching, actually playing, Shout It Out Loud.
That's cool. Klingon Kiss. That's great. Take two things that other people came up with mush them together and pretend we came up with them ourselves. That's great.
Hey, what's up with Gwar Girl? I heard she tried out for She-Hulk or some superhero chick show.
She tried out for, I don't know, Wonder Woman. That's it. Wonder Woman. I don't think she made it. It's too bad 'cause she has a nice rack too. She's just a little bit over the top for these people. But Gwar Woman is hanging out in L.A. doing the shmoozy L.A. party scene right now. Oh, yeah. She's loving it out there and she's trying out for movies and stuff like that.
What's the chances she'd agree to let us do a "Win a date with Gwar girl contest"?
Fair to more likely than not. Sure, I got her ear, I can talk to her about it. It could be fucking hilarious. Hey, by the way, how are you getting roofies up there, I can't find them anywhere down here.
 Oh, dude, they're everywhere. My friend Dion has a serious decaying tooth, and his dentist is always hooking him up with the refillable prescriptions. We got the hookups. So, what kind of love life does Oderus have right now?
Not really much going on for me right now. That little blonde girl, Shannon, from the photo shoot was cute, but I pretty much fucked and sucked and humped everything that I care to. There's no sexual thrills left for me on this planet, I've got to go back to outerspace and fuck the intergalactic sluts that I used to do. Entire planets that are gigantic vaginas. There's not much going on for me right now. I've done all the midgets, dogs, all the dead dogs, princess Di's corpse, Marilyn Manson, I've fucked everything. I've drilled so many of my own holes, I'll just go outside lay on the ground and start humping. Lately, I've been calling a lot of fat black chicks on the escort service. But that can get a little pricey and you really never know what's gonna happen either. You don't know if they're gonna do anything, it's a bitch.
Dude, the pro we got in Houston, as she's jerking me off she's telling me about the 3 kids she has at home who are hungry, asleep, without a father. Now, there's a softening experience right there.
Very softening. Those chicks will do that, too. As they're having this half-assed sex with you, they'll sit there and tell you how their boyfriend was killed in a motorcycle accident, leaving 5 fatherless children behind. And you're supposed to feel sorry for them so that you won't want to have sex with them or maybe just give them more money or something. I just fuck them harder. Escort services blow.
What it is, is they charge by the hour, so they tell you that shit, you lose your hard-on and you got to start all over again and you get charged overtime.
And a lot of these guys aren't as heartless as they ought to be and a lot of these guys that call these escort services must just be total losers. They're glad just to talk to a woman. So when a girl starts going on about her dead husband they're like, "Yeah, yeah. I understand." Next thing you know 3 hours have gone by and their bill is pushing 4 figures.My thing is just bend them over, fist fuck them and send them home. "Get outta here. You make me sick you whore, get a real job."
I guess we should wrap this up. So do you have anything to plug?
Well, it's a busy year for Gwar. Right now we're working on all kinds of crazy-ass weird stuff. We're starting on our new album. We'll be working on it all winter, I mean all summer... I don't know when the fuck it will be out, to be honest. But we're gonna be going on tour in the fall anyway, but the big thing we're really psyched about is we're actually working on a Gwar CD-Rom computer game. The guys who did Quake 2, we're working with the Quake 2 game engine and it's gonna be the ultimate fighting game. It'll be a "run around and kill stuff" game, but it will have tons of Gwar music, Gwar videos, Gwar animation, all this crap on it and it will be funnier and a bit more perverted then the rest of the shit that's out there. It will be THE SICKEST VIDEO GAME EVER MADE!!! And we're very hard at work with that right now. It should be out by the end of the year, so look out for that. And other than that, all we're doing is drinking a lot.
Comments
Kev
26 Mar 2008, 10:10
GWAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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