I’m not a big fan of the Super Bowl. Granted I am a big fan of excessive drinking and yelling at the television. And it’s not that I don’t like football, it’s just I can’t be bothered watching a game involving two teams I could care less about. I need an emotional connection if I am going to watch sports. I’m currently in the process of a long, drawn out break up with the Nets right now because, after forcing me to suffer for more than two decades watching sub-par Nets teams, we finally get Jason Kidd and become a contender and they go and sell my team and plan to move it to Brooklyn. So go! Don’t let the door hit you in the ass. (Jason, Vince, this isn’t about you. It’s about The Rat.) But it makes it very hard for me to get into watching pro basketball anymore.
Same goes for the big game, the Super Bowl. The Jets haven’t seen a chance at the trophy since Broadway Joe was draped in furs and hookers. A few years back Chad almost got us there. I was living in LA on my office floor and my drinking buddy Brian [ cantinastudios.com ] was from the Tampa area and The Game was gonna be played in San Diego, so it seemed very realistic that his team (The Bucs) and my team (The Jets) could face each other just two hours south of where we lived. Sadly, the Jets couldn’t get past the Raiders and well…I forgot my point.
 Maybe what I’m trying to get at was that this year’s Big Game did little to entice me at all. The Colts? Da Bearsh? Who cares? What I do care about is that my behind is always clean and smelling fantastic. So for six months I’ve been working on getting my new bathroom/throne room built in my basement. I won’t go into my repeated failings of inspections or how my plumber was LITERALLY smoking crack and put the lines for the tub in the wrong place. All I’ll say is it was finally completed a week before Super Bowl Sunday, fully equipped with a multi-head shower, a 3-person Jacuzzi tub and most importantly The Hometech model # HI 4001 toilet seat adapter! What the hell is that, you ask? Have you ever been to Japan? Well, the Japanese are from the future and in the future they care a lot more about ass hygiene then us Americans do now. In Japan every toilet in every home has a heated toilet seat, they play music, they shoot water up your butt and then shoot heat to dry you off. I was in Japan for two weeks and while all my friends went and saw the temples and Mt. Fuji and The Great Wall I sat reading books on the SUPER-FUTURISTIC-GOOD-FUN-TIME-TOILET in the apartment. I refused to move off of it. Sometimes even forcing my housemates to go pee outside.
Upon my returning to The States I told my wife about the toilets of the Japanese people and I started to cry. I asked her, “WHY? Why couldn’t I be born Japanese? Why couldn’t I be brought up with a SUPER-FUTURISTIC-GOOD-FUN-TIME-TOILET? I hate myself!” Then she opened her mouth and like the song of a thousand angels, these beautiful words poured out, “It’s not that big of a deal. Why don’t you just buy one?” Right! Buy one! I don’t have to be Japanese to buy a SUPER-FUTURISTIC-GOOD-FUN-TIME-TOILET.
So began my quest. I felt a little like Frodo in Lord of the Rings as I clicked on Google to find my toilet. Then I saw that SUPER-FUTURISTIC-GOOD-FUN-TIME-TOILETS cost about $4000 and I turned my ass around and went back to the Shire.
Then my wife sent me this link.
Ah, my wife. A hundred wives couldn’t add up to my one. And I’m not talking about in terms of weight. And no, your ass does not look big in those pants. God.
What we have here folks is the Hometech model # HI 4001 toilet seat adapter. It turns any old toilet into a SUPER-FUTURISTIC-GOOD-FUN-TIME-TOILET! All for the low, low price of $350. It’s amazing! It attaches like any normal toilet seat, with an adapter that connects to your water line and PRESTO! You now have a toilet that shoots water up your ass! Well, you don’t. But I do.
And boy, is it fun! It has two water settings blue for boys and pink for girls. I have no shame in admitting I use the pink cycle; it’s a soft, delicate and unobtrusively pleasant stream of water.
 The blue cycle…well, let’s just say it feels like they’re hosing you down with a fire hose on your fist day in prison. The one and only time I used the blue I was knocked off the seat onto the floor. In addition you have full control of the power and strength of the flow of water as well as the water temperature (even on the lowest setting The Blue is too much for any man, woman or beast.) Aside from that it stays heated; warmer than any car seat warmer I’ve ever experienced and it has a hot air dryer that dries all excess water from your tush. Sadly, the Hometech model # HI 4001 toilet seat adapter does not play music or come with a remote control to preheat the seat like most Japanese toilets, but I can live without.
Since the installing of our SUPER-FUTURISTIC-GOOD-FUN-TIME-TOILET I refuse to use the other toilet in our house. I feel as if my ass is too good for that toilet. Come to think about it, I haven’t poo’d on any other toilet anywhere since we got The Hometech. And I went away to Miami for 4 days. I am so in love with my new toilet that I decided as a good friend I should allow everyone I know to come try it out. And so I threw a Super Bowl party in honor of our super bowl. A lot of people were apprehensive about trying it out but that quickly changed after they realized that we had secretly added Ex-Lax to all the food we were serving. At certain points there was a line 10 people deep DYING to get in and use it.
And they all thanked me for it in the end.
I can’t even tell you who won the actual Super Bowl but I can safely say that anyone that uses my SUPER-FUTURISTIC-GOOD-FUN-TIME-TOILET feels like a winner afterwards.
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