Eminem Review (2)
 I'll tell you a joke my dad used to tell me. How do you get a one armed Pollack out of a tree? You wave. The first time I heard that I almost pissed myself. I guess the same goes for the next half-dozen times. But he'd tell it so often I got bored of it. That, my friends, is nearly Eminem's whole album. The first dozen times he made me laugh at his shock value lyrics about nine-inch nails through his eyelids and all that shit. But it didn't take much time before the joke got stale.
I'll be straight with you, I'm not a big fan of Eminem. I wasn't a fan of his when he dropped his Infinite EP in which he spat anti-drug, positive word-of-God rhymes. I wasn't a fan of his the first time I heard "I Don't Give A Fuck" way back. Sure, the kid is clever in his shallowness and his whiny voice; fuck, you could pick it out of a police line-up every time. And I'm always glad when some white boy doesn't come off like Vanilla Ice and still sells a million copies. I'll admit that I think his '97 "Bonnie & Clyde" cut is brilliant as is his track on Rawkus's Soundbombing 2. That "somthin', somethin', somethin', my daughter scribbled on my lyrics so I couldn't read them" line kills me.
My problem is that I think that anyone who has Dr. Dre in his corner will get respect from the hip-hop community, even if it was that little old lady who did "Rapper's Delight" in "The Wedding Singer" and anyone who has bought records from Fat Beats or any fine vendor of wax knows that Eminem bites kids like Cage and Necro harder than a pit bull. "I'll bite your style and make it fresher," Eminem admits on "I Don't Give A Fuck" and even goes so far as to say, "I heard your demo tape and act like I don't like it. Six months later you hear your lyrics on my shit." So he's open about the whole shit, but only to a degree. When asked about his blatant "influence," dude said, "I'm from Detroit. How the hell would I ever hear of Cage or Necro? I never heard of them." What, they don't get the Stretch & Bobbito show out here? You never went to New York, the Mecca of hip-hop, to peep the hot shit? Are you saying Cage's "Agent Orange" track wasn't on the radio when they took that Clockwork Orange-style cover for Stress? If you've ever heard Cage spit on Pete Nice's album, "Forgive me for my sins when I stick pins in my kins, a fistful of maggots ain't even my sickest habit," or on his classic cut, "Agent Orange" saying, "I'm against the machine like rage, bitches say I hate you Cage," it makes you wonder where Slim Shady is coming up with rhymes like; "Let me have this limousine, I'm a cage demon, jumping on stage screamin', like Rage Against the Machine," and "Pins and needles, hypodermic needles and pins. I hope God forgives me for my sins." You make the call.
I think the average reader is hipper than any Source or Rolling Stone reader. And you deserve to know what's up with Eminem trying to dis Cage twice on his album and in interviews. We tell you how it is because every other publication has Eminem's dick so far down their throats they can't speak. Yeah, maybe the kid is an ill battle MC, and personally a really nice guy. Maybe he's a great dad and generally a good kid who had a bad childhood. But I don't understand acting like you never heard of motherfuckers when you're blatantly borrowing from their shit. All I'm saying is, Eminem, when all the hype from MTV and everywhere else ends you're still gonna have your underground fans. So don't lie to them. It makes us feel cheap.
Comments
Chris
05 Oct 2008, 07:24
I like your style. I read your piece in Vice and had to follow the link. Good stuff. If you want to read any of mine, I'm at http://disneydiaries.blogspot.com
freshx
16 Oct 2008, 01:21
your friend carnie answers letters at the skateboard mag and you are chris nieratko.
skate a lot.
sad and tierd
29 Oct 2008, 13:54
holy crap Nieratko, your readers are almost as retarded as you.
sleep a lot.
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