Clae Shoes - chrisnieratko.com

Clae Shoes Review

I'll give you the bad news first. They aren't made of clay. So whatever little fantasies you had bubbling up in your head about smoking out of them or getting all American Indian on my ass, forget it. And you can just forget about having them melting off your feet in the rain and dying your feet butterscotch. That said, I'd like to say that I love these shoes so much that I've tried and failed repeatedly to deep-throat them. These are the best non-skate skate shoes in the world, and I like that they have no bones about being a line of chill shoes. I'm constantly hearing kids asking each other about whatever fancy pro model they're wearing, "How are those shoes? Are they any good?'' and the answer is usually, "They suck to skate in, but they're good chill shoes." Usually at that point I'd chime in with, "They're good for chilling? What does that mean? Any fucking shoe is good to chill in, asshole." And then Jackson, or Jason, over at Podium turned me on to the Clae line and made me realize it's me who is an idiot. How I failed to realize before that it takes a very special shoe to be a chill shoe is beyond me. How could I have been so blind? Chill shoes don't have bubbles. They don't give you blisters on your heels or callouses on your toes. They are meant to hug your feet, sixth-grade-in-the-tree-house style. A hug that meant something. A hug that you never want to end. And not any shoe can do that and make you feel special and really, truly loved. Clae can. Clae knows how you want to be held, how to touch you to make you want more and not feel dirty about it. If my Claes had tits on them, I'd be halfway to Vegas to get hitched. Instead I'm turning into a jealous guy because halfway through sharing my brainstorm with Dave Carnie, I realized he had the same thought. "Carnie, have you seen these Claes yet?" I asked. "Yeah," he said, "chill shoes. Great idea. I want to get sponsored by them." That was my idea. Asshole, you stay away from my Claes. "Yeah, I was thinking of sending them my sponsor-me tape of me chilling. Show them how good I can chill," he added. "No, me," I said. Dave seemed confused by my half thought, so I gave him the other half. "I'm going to get sponsored by them. I'm a way better chiller than you. You're like 50 years older than me, your chilling career is over." "Yeah," he said, "but I've been chilling way longer than you, which means I have a better style." I just shook my head, and, as I walked out, I said, "Whatever, you couldn't even get on chill flow. I bet you couldn't even get chill shop sponsored." Now there is internal war in the office. Trying to get co-workers to side with either him or me. Calling industry heads to see if they'd call Podium and vouch for how sick chillers we are. Jason Jessee's calling on Dave's behalf. I have Andrew W.K. and Tony Hawk. Have you ever seen that basketball documentary Hoop Dreams? It's like that. People are taking bets on which of us is going to make it big and get the call into the major leagues to chill internationally, intercosmically, and which is going to waste his life away just chilling in his living room with his friends. I feel bad for Dave because I know he's just trying to milk out one last big chill, but I'm too good. And he knows it. It's all forced with him. As I walk in his office, I can hear him typing away like a little typing bunny in heat, and then as soon as I come in the door, he drops into this totally lame, completely fake chill. Who does he think he's fooling? Really? Come on. Dave, let's end this. You're my bro, so don't think when I'm on the chill in Milan or Tokyo I'm going to forget about you. I'll hook you up with all the Claes you want and totally mention you in every interview I do in Chillworld. Hey, and if you want to lie to your little circle of friends and tell them you're on my chill team, go ahead. Call me on my cell phone when they're around, drop my name, use our friendship as a doorway into loose women that lust for me and get yourself laid. I don't care. I'm just sick of seeing you like this, like so unchill. You're better than that. Call me so we can be chill again and chill.

Comments

Tommy C
19 Mar 2007, 04:21

this shit rules. period.

ROFL!!
19 Mar 2007, 17:28

"Chill flow" haha neiratko your hilarious.

Sean
06 Apr 2007, 13:29

classic piece

MVP
15 Dec 2007, 09:16

man, that's funny. BRING BACK BIG BROTHER!

DIAMOND fASHIONS
23 Sep 2008, 12:56

we need a contact number on a rep. for your clae shoes we are located in st.louis mo. we would really love to carry your shoes