Brewce Martin Interview - chrisnieratko.com

Brewce Martin Interview

[ photos by Brian Gaberman ]

This Is your Interview, where do you want It to start?

That's up to you, man. This is your job here. We could probably start at the beginning.

Well, sure, where the fuck did you come from? The next thing you know, Brewce Martin is everywhere.

Short, short biography. How does that sound? I was born on November 1, 1965, in Hartford, Connecticut. Moved to West Virginia when I was three. Grew up in West Virginia in the mid-Ohio Valley. Saw my first skateboard in 1974.

This is getting boring already, Brewce. So let's talk about something else. You just had a man pull a knife on you the other day.

All right, I'll make it really fast. I won my first skateboard from the Parkisburgh newspaper when I was 12, or 11, and I was on the cover of the newspaper that fucking week. Built some ramps, and my mom took me everywhere, and I traveled a lot. Eventually something happened and the course of events that changed my whole life, and that's Skatopia, pretty much, and that's how I ended up where I am now. Now let's go where you want to go.

You just had a man pull a knife on you not too long ago.

Yeah, fucking, little fucking pussy named Chris. Just like you.

Great.

Fucking in Louisville, Kentucky. He owns the Adrenaline Zone skateshop, don't fucking buy anything there. He's a fucking faggot. And he fucking wrote me a bad check for $3,500, and I bought him the merchandise, and a couple of hours later his wife comes up and says, "Hey, you know I cancelled those checks, blah, blah, blah, we need to renegotiate." I'm like, "We'll just renegotiate my shit back," and words were exchanged, and though I wanted to punch her in the mouth, the only one available was him, so I split the dude's lip open. You know, I probably shouldn't have done it, but, you know, that's how it goes. Then he got all scared and pulled his knife up and swung it at me a couple of times, and that was the end of that.

How did you diffuse the knife situation?

Just told him that he's not gonna kill me, not gonna stab me, might as well put it away. You're just making it worse for yourself, dude, you know, you're swinging it at me, but you're not trying to stab me. You're just trying to keep me away from you because you're scared. If you really try to stab me I'm gonna kill you. That's the bottom line. I didn't want to kill him, he didn't want to kill me, so that worked out okay.

And somehow, out of that situation, you got the key to Louisville?

Yeah, the key to the city. What happened was, his wife called the cops, they gave me all my stuff back. They said, "Don't skate for two days," I said, "I'm skating." They said, "If we catch you here, you're going to jail for trespassing." I said, "It didn't happen on this property." So I'd skate, his old lady, his bitch wife, would call the cops on me every fucking two hours. "There's a fugitive at the skatepark," they'd come on six strong, and I'd have to run outta there, I'd go to my buddy's house and change my T-shirt and change my helmet color and come right back and start skating again. And I did that all weekend, and those cops were pissed. They came down there ten or 12 times over the weekend. They never caught me, and then eventually, the last time they came eight strong, and I roosted down the road, stuck my thumb out, someone stopped to pick me up and saved my ass 'cause I was going to jail. And I went back a couple of hours later in a Jimi Hendrix afro, big, long, baggy T-shirt, long pants, on a free-spirit bike. I was cruising around the park like Chad Fernandez, it was hilarious.

What do you think of Chad Fernandez?

I bet he wouldn't drop in my bowl. A lot of pros have come to Skatopia that didn't drop in, just stood there and watched. I don't need to name names, they know who they are.

So, how did the key come about?

So that night, after they'd chased me out, before the afro, afterwards they roughed up two of my friends, told them to leave Louisville and never come to Louisville ever again. They just picked the wrong dudes, they picked the two coolest dudes. So I called the mayor and the chief of police and fucking started bitching up holy hell. Calling, chasing supervisors and shit 'til I got to the chief and the mayor. And it turns out the mayor built the park, and he's really into it, and he just fired the chief for excessive force, and this one is trying to clean it up, but I mean that place is corrupt as hell. Backwoods fucking Kentucky. It ends up the mayor was pissed off when he heard about it, he knew what really happened. Those cops were saying different things, of course, you knov stories, but the mayor took me and Salba and gave us the key to the city, hugged us, pinned it on us. It was retarded.

What does the key to Louisville get you?

Oh, it'll get you some free drinks. He gave us his box seat at Churchill Downs for one night. We can go there and gamble and sit in the mayor's box. That's pretty hot. That's a luxury right there.

Do you wear the key to Louisville on your chest when you go to bars?

Oh, I wear it when I'm in Louisville, absolutely, yeah. I put it right on my lapel. It's just symbolic. When the cops fuck with me, I'll just be like, "Hey, I got the key to the city." And they're like, "Well, we don't like that fucking mayor anyway," but they gotta respect it 'cause he can fire them in one word, and their job is gone. So, when you go to Louisville, beware that there are a couple of hard-nosed cops on the beat that like to push around skaters.

How do you think Todd Falcon would fare at Skatopia?

Oh, man. No. No. He wouldn't even come up the driveway, dude. There'd be issues. There'd be definite issues, yeah.

You don't think he could Falcon-plant on the deep end of the bowl?

No. He couldn't Falcon-plant anywhere at Skatopia. He couldn't Falcon-plant on my porch. There's no way. He'd probably ask me to build a ramp similar to his, and hopefully we would get it right, and he could Falcon-plant his way into infamy.

So, what am I supposed to ask you about?

I don't know. What do you ask most people you interview?

If they ever gayed off with the Bones Brigade.

Yeah. I've never gayed out with anybody at any time. Girls like me, just 'cause they're stupid. I mean, it's not 'cause I have anything to offer. They're just stupid. That's what it boils down to, I'd say. I'm pretty sick of girls, to tell you the truth. They're too easy. I think it has to do with the fact that they're stupid. And they're willing to fucking cuddle with any sucker that will fucking give 'em the time of day.

How come Big Brother loves you so much, and yet Thrasher's your favorite magazine?

Thrasher's definitely not my favorite magazine, but Big Brother is a decent magazine. At least it's funny. I don't think Thrasher is as good a magazine. It just seems like they give a lot of coverage to people from Northern California, and they focus on a certain same set of dudes over and over and over. If you're fishing for a story about me and Jake, me and Jake don't have any beef. He don't like me skating naked. I don't like him telling me how to skate. It's simple. I don't care. He don't wanna fight me. I asked him. He don't wanna fucking get punched by me. He skates. I don't care what Jake does. He won't come to Skatopia though. He just won't come. I invited him over and over and over, and he won't come. It's like some Holy Grail that he just doesn't really wanna see. Jake Phelps thinks he can control the whole skateboard industry from his little chair in San Francisco. Maybe, right? I was in Louisville, and he had all these little kids around him like he was the guru. It just looked like a scene from Gandhi. There's Jake and these kids, and they're all sitting around him just spellbound by his good looks and funny glasses. He was lecturing them on capitalism and stuff, telling them how he could buy these wheels for $18.50 a set and sell 'em for $32. Next thing you know, they'll have a shop, and they'll be getting rich off skating. They were spellbound. They were there for hours just listening to Jake talk on and on and on. That was fucking hilarious.

What's the worst situation you've gotten yourself into at Skatopia?

Oh man. The worst situations all revolve around the local people. The local people coming out there and partying and drinking and leaving, doing drugs and leaving, getting fucked up and leaving. These local people come out there and just mingle in, and sometimes they get too fucked up and talk shit, and really it's just the young people, spreading bad rumors about me around the local area. I'm always dealing with someone who got acid squirted in their eyes, and they went insane, or we're up there slaughtering goats or worshipping the devil. Something's got to be done about it. We got a grant for $1,000. We won the grant fair and square, and then the dude who had to sign the check was a minister, and he wouldn't sign it 'cause heard that we're worshipping the devil there. So we had to climb over his he and get someone else to sign the check, I don't worship the devil. I ain't got time for that shit. So, yeah, the biggest problem out there is local kids that don't skate, that just want to come out and get wasted. Getting wasted is cool and all, but skating is what we're trying to focus on.

Do you ever get local moms coming at you with their torches, waving the Bible and shit?

No. Usually the local moms are comin out there in their cutoff shorts trying to hook up with some skater dude. The Iocal moms have a very, very unhealthy population to chose from. When it comes to fornicating, they're pretty stoked on the skaters. There's a whole new population of dick that they never even knew existed and they're stoked. But the local people love Skatopia because the people come in here, and they buy a lot of beer, a lot of potatoes, the partying, they blow up a Iot of cars and get crushed later, people make a lot of money off of it, it's cool. Did you know my phone is listed as CIA? It's business name is C.I.A, and when I call people with caller ID, it comes up as CIA. People flip out sometimes, and they're like, "Who the fuck is this, why are you calling me?" And for a long time, I had an 800 number listed under CIA in the 800 directory, and people would call me up just from pay phones and shit, you know?

No way.

It would be like, "Is this the CIA?" They either wanted to join, or they had some really important information to share with me about a shitload of Russian money that was coming in, or we had this one Jamaican dude who was like, "Ya, mon, I wanna be a spy, mon." I was like, "Do you speak any other languages?" He was like, "Ya, mon, I speak many languages, mon." He was like, "Will you put me in the witness-protection program after I'm done spying?" I had another guy, a fucking queer, who called up and confessed on my machine that he's a queer and that his mate is trying to kill him, and he needs help from the CIA. He was talking about being in a bean war and escaping the worm grid and all this crazy shit.

What does that mean?

I have no idea what it meant. It was insane, man.

What is C.I.A.?

It's just my clothing company. Basically, when we started building Skatopia, we wanted a way to come up with money, so we made what we called the $100 T-shirt. We had 47 people paying $100 each for these T-shirts, and they were the founding members of the C.I.A, which was Citizens Instigating Anarchy. And that was our little group of guys, mostly from Pennsylvania, a couple from Florida, just East Coast guys. And that's what we bought all the plywood for the bowl, and that was the starting point.

How long do you think that barn would last if you took the bowl out?

It would fall down in a second. The bowl holds the barn up now. We took all the interior supports out. The bowl is the supports.

Fuck.

The C.I.A thing, we were just getting into reading about corruption within our government. Me and a couple of our buddies were like, hey, that's a great name for a company. People recognize it around the world. It turns out that the government doesn't actually own trademarks on their own names. Because their names are owned by the general public. We own them.

So, you bought a fucking limousine, you shitbag?

Yeah. My buddy owned a limo company, and he found me a '92 Lincoln stretch. It used to be owned by the Denver Broncos. Five hundred bucks.

Does it have an engine?

Yeah, everything's there. The problem with it is, the sunroof leaked in the back, and all the interior is molded. But it's nice.

Can that limo even get up your fucking driveway?

Yeah, people just don't understand the whole driving thing. There's a science to driving. You can get anything anywhere if you just understand the physics of it.

Yeah, but a limo is low, and your driveway is rocky as shit.

Yeah, well, if I had to trick it out, believe me I will. I'm not parking her at the bottom of the hill, I'll tell you that. I'm gonna cover it with stickers and just turn it into the ultimate skateboarding party vehicle.

You're a piece of shit.

You know we're gonna go to the restaurant in it, we're gonna go on the road in it. We're gonna fucking rage in it.

That thing's gonna get a couple hundred yards out of your driveway and blow up.

No way, dude, it's a fucking Lincoln! That motor ain't gonna die.

You're gonna blow it up one way or another.

Whatever, I'm gonna tow it home and put another motor in it. I live in the redneck capital of the Midwest, and if there's anyone who can put a motor in a vehicle, they live within a hundred yards of me.

Did you ever think you were gonna get your interview in Big Brother?

I figured that you were a man of your word. So, yeah, I figured it would come. After Tod Falcon, obviously, where do you go? How much lower can you go?

There's only Brewce Martin.

I mean, I am the fucking king of the swamp trogs.

What's wrong with swamp trogs?

I think they fucking rule, really. Fucking, they make things happen. I'll tell you, the swamp trogs keep skating alive when nobody else does, when there's nobody making any money off it, and no one's getting sponsored.

Definitely, but some of these chicks look like their pussies are full of mud.

Oh. I don't look at that. You look?

I haven't looked, man. I'm scared there might be an eyeball looking back at me.

Yeah, chicks aren't swamp trog, dude. Only skaters like Monk from Seattle, some of the Oregon dudes. Those are trogs. A chick can't be a trog. She has to be something else.

What's her title?

Slug. Dirty 'ho. We don't need none of those.

Tell me your Duane Peters story.

Duane Peters. Apple '81, they used to always have pros and stuff come up to Apple in Columbus, Ohio. Definitely one of the best skateparks that's ever existed. And they were having one of their specials, and Duane was supposed to be there, so we talked them into taking us up there. They roll in on the van from the airport, and Duane just goes straight to the bathroom. He had his ghetto blaster in his hand, punk-rock music starts blaring out of the bathroom. And then every kid that goes into the bathroom gets a haircut or a hair dye. Later, Duane told me that he knew that he was gonna be asked to drop in the egg bowl, and it was huge. He was like, "I'm not so sure." He was just waiting, you know. But he went out there and did it, and it was pretty sick. A lot of punk-rock haircuts got done that day. It was funny because Columbus is like a Midwest, straight-laced town, especially back then, and they dropped their kid off, and they come back, and he's got like blue hair and a Mohawk. Duane the hairdresser's going at it.

How come you don't got a fucking rodeo bull at your ranch?

You know, I used to ride the bull. Man, those things will kill you. They're seriously fun. I'll go to an auction one day, and I'll see one there, and I'll buy it, and it will be here. We got a regulation a table. No broken arms on it, I've seen a lot of broken hearts though. It's pretty much the main thing that gets broken around here.

Have you ever helped a sheep over one of your fences?

I never even seen a sheep up close. Just from a distance.

You ever milk a man cow?

No. I don't touch other animals. I think girls are the only other animal I touch, besides myself.

You ever roll around in cow shit?

I've thrown cow patties. I've picked mushrooms out of cow shit before. I don't touch the shit. How about I tell you many bones have been broken here in one weekend.

All right.

Eleven. I think it was four broken wrists, two broken ankles, two kneecaps and some fingers, I think. And a nose. Yeah, that was also coincidentally, the record-setting performance for beer-can recycling: 396 pounds.

How much money you get for that?

I don't know. Not even enough to get a hooker. A hundred bucks.

So, do you remember how to say whalecock in French?

Bite de baliene.

Dave Carnie taught you?

Yeah. Carnie, he'd been trying this line all week-end with the chicks and it just w'asn't working for him. So he's just like, "Try this one, Brewce, this one always works for me." I'm looking at him thinking, "Carnie this line never worked for you. But I can make it work." What's the line? "Hi, my name is Whalecock." Basically: It's how it broke down, Carnie's line. It was pretty funny. Or "They call me Whalecock." One or the other.

Tell me what you got with that line?

I don't really remember the whole story, because it was pretty exciting, but I just know that everyone was trying to get her, and then someone pointed it out. I was like, that's easy. Just fucking rolled over there, gave her the Carnie line and just walked away. I took the trophy.

You went to the hotel and banged her?

I guess you could call it banging. A couple of seconds. That's all you get outta me.

You're only two strokes?

One and a half if you're lucky. I'm all about my pleasure.

Carnie said she was a nice, respectable English girl and the total opposite of you.

A lot of nice, respectable girls like a dirty slut like me. There's just something about it. Their daddy warned them about it. They point at the kind of guys that they don't want their daughters with their whole life growing up. That's right where those girls go. They wanna know why they shouldn't be there. It just works for me.

You're telling me that you get a lot of nice, clean girls usually?

Yeah. Any of the girls I've messed with throughout my life have always been way, way too nice for me. I think I look good to 'em at first, and then they realize I'm just nasty.

You get em when they're drunk.

No. I don't want 'em to be drunk. I want 'em to know what they're getting into. They're in trouble.

Isn't there only one or two pretty girls in your whole town?

No. There's not that many.

Is there even one set of straight teeth in the whole town?

There are some hot girls around here, but they move away as soon as they turn 18. As soon as they graduate high school, man, they're just gone. They go to college. That's why the girls you see around here are of a lower caliber. You're only seeing—

The ones that got pregnant early.

Right. Which is most of them. But there are some hot girls here. I've seen some. But there are some fucking ugly chicks here, man. If I had to get a job here or find a woman here, I'd definitely put a gun in my mouth.

Have you ever had to resort to fucking one of those busted, fat chicks?

No. I don't go big. I like athletic girls.

Are you on 'roids?

No. Never.

It's just you got muscles on top of muscles.

I just have worked out for a long time. I got good genes, number one, from my parents, and number two, I've worked out a lot for years and years and years. I'd work out for three months and then not work out. I wanna be strong, you know? I want people to grab a hold of me thinking I'm weak and then twist them up like a pretzel and kick their teeth out.

How the fuck do you not turn into a fat shitbag, you drink like a fish?

I just have this metabolism, and, no matter what, my energy level just keeps raging through me. I'm like the dude that you think was on meth all the time.

I always think you're on meth.

I'm just constantly raging. But I haven't lost 40 pounds. That's how you know. Those dudes that are on that shit, man, they get so skinny. They don't eat for a week at a time.

I was looking at some of those photos of you in the shirt, and you looked like you'd got your ribs removed or something.

I didn't have my ribs removed. I've weighed the same amount since high school.

Your fucking torso looks weird.

Didn't Ricca Gentry get a rib removed? That's what I heard.

I'll tell you what she got added.

We all know what she got added. I heard she got a rib removed too.

Did you ever kill a man?

Not that I can talk about. I've killed a cat before. I have on a regular basis. Killing the cat.

Is that supposed to be a funny joke?

I don't know. I'm not very funny.

I know.

You know, you can get like 200 grand if you can't get a boner?

Is that how much you get?

Something like that.

I can't get a boner half the time, who should I sue?

I was going to try and file for disability, under the Social Security Administration, saying I was disabled because I was addicted to pussy, and I couldn't work. I come in contact with a female, and my work stops. I have to hit on her. I figured there was something that they give to alcoholics and drug users now. I'm addicted to pussy, why can't I get it? It's worse than crack, you can get it on any street, I can get it at any store.

You told me you were going to make a shit list.

I got a shit list. Scott Cable, he's number one on the shit list. He knows the Balzout. He reamed me, jewed me, lied to me, cheated me. He's a fag. I wanna fight him. There's a challenge right now to fight me. Any time. Any place. We can still be friends afterwards 'cause we been friends for a long time, but he ain't a skater. You don't skate. You don't act like one. That's my whole shit list.

That's a short shit list.

I like everybody. The people that really fuck me over are thieves. All you thieves out there that come out here and steal, all you Meigs County fuckers, you're on the shit list too. If I catch you stealing from me I will shoot you, believe it.

You got a little arsenal over there, don't you?

I like guns. They're loaded. I will shoot you if you come out here and rape or steal. I got morals and shit, believe it or not.

You don't like to be raped?

No, sir. I draw the line there. I'm gonna draw the line. I've been raped by chicks. Let's get some skate stuff going here. You don't want to talk about skating?

No.

Somewhere in there you got to put who I skate for.

You should probably put that in there now.

I skate for Volcom, Remy, Indy, Joey Tershay, 187 pads, Random hardware, Vision shoes, and Jason Ferris over at Spitfire gives me wheels even though I heard Mic-e Reyes said, "Don't ever send Brewce Martin anything." Maybe I'll never get anything again, right?

Carnie didn't put you on Whalecock?

I'm just gonna start my own fucking company. Balzout fucking shafted me, Roll Model don't want me, Vallely thinks I'm not punk enough for him.

He doesn't think you're punk enough?

I guess. He hasn't called me. You figure he would have called me by now. What's up, Vallely? Come out and skate. You're hard-core, we're hard-core. We should get together. We got a regulation arm-wrestling table. I mean, shit, that's got to be one of his favorite words right there: wrestling.

Comments

louisiana bruh
10 Mar 2007, 12:19

2 words: Hellbilly Dreamtour

tellk
25 Mar 2008, 20:26

This guy is fucken insane.